last looks

Just remembering one year ago.... We went to a party at a friend's house. We left Abe with his Aunt Beth. It didn't take us long to start missing him, we wanted him there with us. We had a good time with our friends, but our thoughts were still at home. When the clock struck midnight, we toasted and kissed....then were out the door by 12:02. We couldn't get home fast enough. We thought we missed him then....

Cheers to the best and worst year of our lives...so far.

Happy Birthday Dad!

Well, I've been sitting here now for 30 mins (in tears, of course), trying to get out what I want to say, but I simply can't express it. All I can say is my heart is busting with love and adoration for my best friend, my hubby, Abe's Daddy.

Happy Birthday Josh! We love you more than you know.

another, especially hard, first

Today has been a cold & dreary day. Not the perfect day to visit the cemetery, but we are glad we did, as we always are. It's so hard going, yet it's something we have to do. His dear Grandma & Papa Gene brought him this tree, and we added a few trimmings to it. We took him a pinwheel, as always. It hasn't exactly been a Christmas of glad tidings, but one we will remember for sure.

(Thank you to Grandpa Bob and Suzan for bringing Abe's scroogy Mom and Dad a tree too. It's just what we needed. love you)

Merry Christmas Angel

It just doesn't feel right not having you here with us. Only one Christmas with you just isn't enough..

Solitude

Love gives me the world.
The world gives me love... but balance is not idle.
It is rocky-smooth, bitter-sweet tumbleweed growth,
rolling on forever in the storm.
Passing by the cheerful with a handout to the destitute.

The wind will pine for canyon walls, yet the narrow remains still.
The mind will yearn for fanciful dreams, yet wake up stale and groggy.
The truth will search in broad daylight, yet end up lost in Falseville.
The lighthouse will beckon the ship back in, yet beholden to sunken lore.

Solitude is strange... with presence to boot.
Full of spacial texture and curious contrast.
It is something you want to dive into, yet observe by the wayside.
Something that's absorbing albeit rather slow... dried beans vs sea-sponge...
enticement + wonder - reality = lonely.

...I want you, but I can't have you now...

still scroogy

Just a friendly reminder...we are not doing Christmas this year. No parties, no presents....no turkeys, no tinsel. So for those of you that have held out hope that the yuletide spirit would cajole us out of our Bah-humbug-ness and warm our icy hearts...sorry, it's simply not possible. Like Josh said, we are spending Christmas at the grave of our boy. What more can we say?

Please stop taking it personally.... We love you.

the crisp is gone

yesterday
was
yesterday

today
is
today

freshness lasts through the night
but morning wilts the edge

you can't keep it much longer
you'll have to throw it out

here
was
here

there
is
there

you'd like to think it's the universe
but it's all inside your head

vision clearly sought
blurry in the end

then
was
then

now
is
now

fuel stocked for winter
is but ashes by the fall

you feel the warmth somewhere
you can't bear the cold

A claim upon your love

It is the snow-flake in you running down to the sea.
K.G.

time

Well, as of today...Abram has been gone longer than he was here. We are missing him more now, than ever. Time has yet to heal this gaping wound...

You'll Shoot You're Eye Out!

Dear Santa,

I want the squishy stuff.  I want zerbits and belly laughs.  I want smooth, milky skin on my lips.  I want the softest hair on earth.  I want poopies and pee-pees.  I want nakedness.  I want skin on water on skin.  I want neck tickles and butterfly kisses.  I want boxer fists and wonder woes.  I want random, heavy panting and sporadic, lengthy sighs.  I want the improvised-pee-missile in my face.  I want rattle spinning and circus tunes.  I want Imagine playing in the other room.  I want white noise.  I want real noise.  I want my audience.  I want my biggest fan.  I want my memory.  I want fatherhood.

Happy Face (Heavy Part II)

Happy Face is a patient man.  Happy Face is calm, collected and present.  Happy Face likes to smile even when things are all wrong.  Happy Face likes to find that little bit of good some call "the silver lining".  Happy Face tries really hard to keep his raging emotions in control.  Happy Face doesn't think it's nice to throw his poo poo at other people, especially unsuspecting people.  Happy Face likes to keep to himself and stay out of the way of others.  Happy Face is full of endurance, strength and will... but Happy Face is overworked and old.

Happy Face needs a vacation, a hiatus, an extended holiday.  Happy Face needs to relax, rejuvenate, recharge.  Happy Face is tired of seeing happier faces look unhappier than his own.  Happy Face needs to leave before he becomes unhappy.  So his twin, Don't Even Think About Speaking To Me Face, will be holding down the fort.  He's a real big jerk, but he keeps good house.  

heavy

my anger and jealousy are raging today...out of control. it doesn't feel good. i don't know how much longer i can't stand it.. for real. my "happy face" is fading...i don't care. top it off with guilt for having these feelings. it makes for a real heavy burden to carry around with me every second of every day. it absolutely sucks to desperately want something you can't have. but i can't help it...i want my baby. he wants me...i know he does. he just knows more than me so he doesn't hurt like i do. thank god for that.

Dawson, Elijah Trey and Rebecca

Dawson,

My friend.  I am so sorry i am distant at this point in your life.  I am elated for you and your new family, but my elation taunts my pain.  I know precisely what you're feeling right now and thus my heart aches.

I see your beaming face.  I see your dazed, glossy eyes.  I hear your quivering voice and sense your reluctant exuberance.  Please forgive me.

It's your time to gush. 

Elijah Trey,

Baby boy.  Welcome!  Your father is a good man.  He is gentle, caring, thoughtful, hard working and intelligent.  You are lucky to be born into such a nurturing environment.  They are full of love and ready to give it freely.  Please say hello to my boy while you still can.  

Rebecca,

My Sister.  You pulled me back from a teetering edge today.  Your letters are stunningly beautiful and forever treasured.  Your timing too, is most remarkable.  You have healed a small part of a gaping wound.  Please know I love you and your words.  They make me cry in a familiar way instead of the lost and abandoned way.  They bring me back home.  Thank you for taking Abram mountaineering with you and Evan.  That makes me smile.  

I love you so much!

Terminal Gravity

We went and visited Abram's grave yesterday. We wanted to get in some more flowers before the real winter sets in, and say hello to our boy as well. I really enjoy going to the cemetery, to my surprise. It gives me the best earthly connection and contact with Abe. When I'm there, I can give pause to the day and reverence to my boy. It soothes me.

I know some people don't enjoy these sorts of visits, not necessarily in regard to Abe, but their own loved ones. That makes me sad, but to each his own, right? I think it's because they view it as a sad place rather than a resting place, I don't know. But for me it really allows me to focus on the gravity of the whole situation. As I sit there and think about Abe the dam breaks, and the flood ensues. As I claw my fingers into the grass for some sort of penetration, I feel the weight of this loss. But I think that me and Jamie both are learning how to own this grief, and that feels good. I would not wish this kind of pain on anyone, but there is a part of me that has been feeling sort of bad for people that don't own something like this. What in the heck do they think about over the course of a day? What in the heck did I ever think about? What is it people actually allow themselves to become upset over?

If I could say that Abram left us with a gift, it would be this: An eternal ocean of emotion and mystery. A fork in the road will either bring a shortcut or some lengthy, bumpy tread. I choose the bumpy route. Not because it's the road less traveled, but rather the road most feared. I have overcome any residual fear of death. Death is rebirth. You think this life is important? You think this planet gives even one nod to your moans and groans? You think you can glide on through the slick shortcut, and your caravan of wealth will somehow give you something back? Well... keep on thinkin'! The day you die is the day you learn.

I guess my point has become misconstrued. Look at it this way: Out of the 6.5 billion people on this planet, I am the only one that has my grief. I am the only one that knows it intimately and I am the only one who treasures it. It's sort of like having your own star trek holodeck. A room in which only you can step into, and you can tell it what you want to see. It reflects your emotions, passions, fears, confusion and hopes. In fact, it doesn't reflect, but instead projects. It projects the true colors of this life. It projects the real scenario, the real situation. It allows the veil to be lifted for a bit. It takes the ordinary pressures of this life and quakes them. Just as a mountain will jolt over plates, your soul will be road-rashed by life.

I miss Abram terribly. Jamie misses him equally so, if not more. Our world is like a penny thrown into a well; Dark and absent, among many. It's a world of love/hate, a world of give/take. I have to try really hard to not tout my arrogance about on this topic. I personally believe Abram to be holier than the collective thou. Why else would we have named him Abram, Father of the multitudes? Like Dylan said, "As his youth now unfolds, he is centuries old". And he is...

I'm just saying the cemetery's good! Death has a hidden gift inside the sickly, ill-textured surface. Gravity lightens, as the terminal path shows itself in golden light.

Holiday Hiding

We have been debating whether or not we wanted to participate in holiday celebrations this year. Well, debating is really not the right word cause it really wasn't a hard decision for us to make. We just don't feel like celebrating this year! We had our boy last holiday season, which was our happiest one ever because of him. He made it fun and enjoyable for us. We just can't seem to stomach the thought of parties and presents and all those things that come with the holidays. It literally makes me sick and brings on some serious panic. So we have decided to let the holidays pass us by this year and quietly reflect on our boy and all the things he gave us and continues to give us. We recognize that this may not be the healthiest way of coping through the holidays, but it feels like the only option for us and it feels right.



To our family that will be missing us at these celebrations...we are sorry to miss out on being with you all during this special time of year. We want to be with you too but we have learned that missing loved ones is a part of life that we all have to deal with. We know of your love for us and you have no idea how much it carries us through our despair. Please know of our love for you all and that our decision to skip the holidays has nothing to do with any of you. You will be with us in our hearts, and we with you...as well as our dear sweet Abe.



We love you all so much...forever.

Little Whale

I just received the most wonderful letter in the mail, or rather, Abram did. It was from the Pacific Whale Foundation informing Abram of a special gift donation that was set up in his name from my mom and papa Gene. In addition, they arranged for 4 little rubber whales to race in his name (rubber ducky style) in the annual Wild & Wonderful Whale Regatta. If Abram's whale(s) come in first place, Jamie and I will win a trip to Maui. As the letter states: "Maui and the other islands of Hawaii are the wintertime home of the majority of the humpback whales of the North Pacific. The whales come to Maui each year to mate, give birth and care for their young. Around 7,000 to 10,000 whales are found here each winter. Pacific Whale Foundation's marine education programs help to teach schoolchildren about the need to protect these majestic 40-ton animals and their ocean habitat."

This is such a special gift.

Only my mom could nail it like that. She semi-frequents Hawaii and was heading down there a short while ago. I was talking to her about the trip and I mentioned a story I had heard on the radio about this very whale migration topic. I told her what I heard which was basically what the letter stated. "Just kind of interesting", I told her. How funny that she runs into this foundation on her trip and probably thought to herself, "josh was just talking to me about this!" Then felt compelled to donate on Abram's behalf. She will never know the depth of penetration this had into my heart. I love the ocean. It scares the living daylights out of me, but I love it. And she knows this. She also knows I love animals and cringe at the thought of losing something so majestic as the species of the humpback. Or any species for that matter. I know I sound lofty and hippie, but I don't care.

I'm thinking right now about those four little whales named Abram Dean Jones, racing in excitement through a winding, wet course. All for the benefit of a giant, gentle ocean dweller. I'm thinking about the bursting smile on Abram's face as he anticipates the race, knowing he can win. Right now, my heart is warm...

another first

This past week brought another first for me...had someone ask me "How's the baby?" I've been dreading this moment for months now, and I was right to do so. The person who asked me is a dear woman. I felt almost as badly for her as I did for myself. Of course, we were standing in the middle of the office. The room went silent and still, at least that's how it felt to me. The ultimate of awkward moments. It sent me into it...it stayed with me all day...still is.

So again, another first, but I know it won't be the last.

Baby Earth

I feel really bad that I haven't posted the short talk I gave at Abe's funeral. I can't explain why, I just haven't done it yet. Many family members asked me for it after that day, and I told all of them that I'd get it to em. Alas, I have not.
I'm posting it now so that anyone can copy it, or just read it, whatever. I honestly have not revisited these words for almost 6 months, although they're memorized in my head. It's interesting to read now. It's bizarre to me that I equated nature to love, or rather, my love for my son. But I think about it and it's true...this is our home away from home.
Jamie and I have been called "tree huggers" for as long as I have known her. It's never bothered us. We do love trees, but we don't hug them. I don't if anyone out there has ever tried to hug a giant redwood, but it would take ten of you! Trees to us are majesty. Just as the oceans, the mountains, our rivers, deserts and biodiversity are. If you resign yourself to believing in any sort of GOD that had any sort of role in the creation of this world we call home...YOU SHOULD BE HUGGING TREES!!!
Society has given environmentalism a very bad name (boo!). Caring about the planet that is your home should be considered a virtue, not a hopeless fantasy. People that think it's funny to "tease" someone lamenting the destruction of our world, to me, seem quite misguided.
Abram would have loved Oregon. He would have loved the trees and ocean sooo much! The sand, the birds, the waves, the rocks, sea life, the wind, the rain, the sun...our world.
So, if you ever happen to find yourself in this beautiful and natural world, don't be afraid to remark upon it. She is loving you, you should love her. He is loving you, you should love him...

Abram's Funeral Talk

Anyone who knows me & Jamie well knows we love the Oregon coast. We go there year after year on our vacation and it has become a second home to us. We fell in love in Oregon and we were married in secret in Oregon. It is a place of most importance to us, for it reveals to us so many things.

We see in the crashing waves the epic journey a burst of energy can take. We see in the redwoods an ancient time emerging from the earth. We see in the crystal waters of the Chetco River a cooperation of balance so delicate and fragile. We watch in wonder as nature dances and unfolds before us. We have grown to crave these wonders like a drug. We are addicted.

I have never known how to express the feelings I have when I’m in this magical place. Time stands still. Worries are obsolete. Peace is in abundance. Suffering gone. Everything that’s good and true in this world explodes into our souls like shrapnel from the heavens. We are humbled by humility. And so we set forth, year after year, seeking out that spiritual experience we have grown to love... Then we had our son.

We saw in Abram’s eyes the depths of the oceans. We saw in his eyes the old growth forests. We saw in his eyes the delicate ecosystem that cradled an ancient man. We saw in his eyes the universe, the cosmos, and the heavens. In his eyes we saw god.

Abram is a design of love. Abram is a product, a creation of love. Abram is a manifestation of the perfect things in the world. A tiny, little package of all the good wrapped up into one. Abram is love. And love is nature. Love is music. Love is human. Love is God. Love is real! Untouchable. Unbreakable. Undeniable.

tummy time

Here is another video that Steph took of Abe, while we were in Bear Lake for Easter weekend (so just over a month before he died). This video is of him trying to crawl...or something. He was always a tummy boy, so I thought he would crawl early. He almost made it...

detached

I have received a few calls and texts over the last couple days from people that said they just needed to let me know that they were thinking of me. It helps so much to hear that, cause honestly right now...I feel so lonely. I have Josh, who is my life and love...he is what gets me up in the morning. As grateful as I am for him, and for family and friends, I feel this overwhelming emptiness. I still feel like I am holding out for something to change, for something to happen to make this ache go away. It's the strangest feeling...being so conflicted...knowing that nothing can change or take away this pain but feeling like there's something...?

I know that everyone around us is so wanting us to have another baby. It's the question that everyone wants to ask, but doesn't. They don't need to...we know what they're thinking. We are thinking it too. We can't imagine not fulfilling that tangible role as parent again. We are scared of trying...getting our hopes up and not having it happen. It took over 5 years to get Abram here. I know that everyone says that having a new child is not to replace Abram, but no matter what they say, it's hard not to feel like that is what we would be doing. We wouldn't be thinking of having another child if Abram were here...that I am sure of. I am also sure that if we do have another baby, it's never going to be as easy or as fun as it was with Abe. It's just so scary...

My dreams of Abram are regular now. It has taken awhile for them to really kick in, but they definitely have now. Dreams too, bring such a conflict within me. It so hard to wake from them, realizing our reality once again. It puts me in such a funk. It definitely affects my sleep. But I can't say that I have bad dreams...they are beautiful, treasured ones. I love that my remind me of the way his downy, soft hair felt on my skin...how heavy he was...how it felt nursing him. We all know how real our dreams feel as we dreaming them, and those feelings you have at the front of your mind upon waking...so one can imagine how difficult it is to just simply shake it off..and go on. Unfortunately, that's what we have to do to survive. That's all we get.

Days pass by...life goes on. It's been half a year since our boy was with us, which is so strange in itself. I am still so angry but I don't know at what or who. I still feel so cheated. I resent people I shouldn't. I still feel such despair and pain. I feel un-lucky, despite having so many things to be grateful for. I feel so detached from everything around me. I feel lost on a path that is sure and steady...being surrounded by everything I need for help and guidance, but not quite being able to reach it.

Just like my dearest friend said, I wish that he were here, or I were there.

Love you all.

Vote For Abe!

So, it's election day. A very tense and urgent time for everyone. People have their political views spread out all over the map. I find it quite interesting at times that in a country where we all need pretty much the same things, people can be so incredibly divided and naive. I don't have much faith in the political structure of this country, meaning, I don't think either candidate will have a profound impact in Washington. I do however think it's extremely imperative that we all voice our opinions in the way of voting. It is truly the simplest way to be heard. I understand that many people (myself included) can feel alienated by the processes the political machine take to arrive at the inevitable Dem. and G.O.P. candidates. But just remember, you CAN vote for anyone you want! Hell, most eligible voters could RUN for President if they wanted too!

The voting arena is concretely democratic. It is the scale on which we weigh public opinion. With the exception of the Electoral College and voting machines, I believe it to be sound. I do wish we used the popular vote, it just makes the most sense. But however disheartening this may be, we have to remember it could be so much worse. Democracy only works with the contributing actions of it's people. It will only survive if people see it for what it is, then embrace and harbor it. Even then (as i know from experience), it can be dead and gone in a heartbeat. So keep it alive folks!

I voted early this year, which was totally awesome! But I can't stop thinking about how big this day is. People are out in droves! I just passed by the elementary school by our house and it is packed! It gives me butterflies. I feel good about my vote. Really good. I just wish Abram were here to see this. He lived for seven months under the presidency of George W. Bush. BUMMER!!! If he were here today, I would be taking him down to the school to see everybody lined up to vote. I would tell him about what they were all there to do, even though I know he probably wouldn't understand. I always intended on starting him early, and this would have been a golden moment to do so.

So peace out! Get out and vote!!

Dumbo Dream

All I can think about today is that Abe would have made the cutest elephant...ever! Feeling cheated...again. Abram, we are missing you so much we ache.

Brad with his Young Master Abram

This is Brad playing with Abe, or as Brad called him, Young Master Abram. He loved Brad. He was never scared of his big booming voice or his dark, bushy beard. Beware, this video can get you, it did us. Wish it was longer....as always.

In My Head

In My Head

I held you so small
before it all.
I saw the light.
I felt the breath of my dreams
silence the screams
in my head.

Now I hold at most
a baby ghost.
A space I once knew.
I play with emotional toys,
a boy and his joys
in my head

Once mine was all mine,
a place in time
where I used to be.
I bathed in sweet, savory love
sent from above,
in my head.

Now I try to fake
and imitate
the taste of the past.
But my senses are down
my defenses bound,
in my head.

Josh 10-08

daddy's boy and his belly

24 weeks

24 long, miserable, exhausting, intense, shitty weeks. Not feeling very well today. Just saw a new baby come into the office. I got a strange vibe the minute I walked in the office door...the looks like "oh no, what's she gonna do?"...people practically making a wall around the baby like I somehow couldn't see her. Unfortunately, they are right...I broke down...had to go in my office, shut the door and lose it. I feel badly that people can't share their joy with me, but it's the sad, hard truth...I just simply don't have it in me to fake it sometimes. Who am I kidding...most of the time.

treasures

I haven't been blogging cause I have been spending most of my time working on a photobook of Abram. Every single picture that we have in our possession is going in the book. It's turning out to be quite lengthy! I have very few photos of Abram and me, cause I was usually the one taking the photo, so these ones are treasured.

All my love forever Abe,
Mom

Jones Family ~Celebration of Abram~ Sept 21, 2008

It's not often that we are all able to get together. It's even rare during the holidays. We had to capture the moment. I love this picture. We are only missing a few...Grandma Elva, Evan, little Cru (sleeping in the car), and of course our Abe. I think I can speak for everybody there...Abram was with us. Just not in the way we wanted. Nonetheless, it was a beautiful day spent with our beautiful family.

We love you all!

(Pictures to come of our time spent with the Parrish clan!)

This time last year...

Since Abram died, we have been yearning after all those moments we lost...taking him to Oregon, going camping, letting him go barefoot, swimming in Grandma and Grandpa's pool. So many things. But now, we have moved into the time of year that we have experienced with Abram. We had him during fall and winter, we dressed him up for Halloween, we took him up the canyon to see all the leaves changing. Yearning for the lost dreams versus the lost realities is different, but equally difficult. This time of year will never be the same for us...but then again, neither will life.

Aching for you Abram...

Happy Birthday Abe!

One year ago today, the best thing that could have happened to us, happened. Our long awaited dream had become a tangible reality. He was beyond anything we could have imagined. He made us work and struggle, but was definitely worth the sweat and tears. We fell head over heels in love. Love would never be the same.

From that day on it has been all about Abram. He occupies our every thought and action. We are obsessed. How could we not be? Those piercing eyes, his long blonde hair, his infectious smile... his soul that touches every part of you. He is captivating and beautiful. He is our heart...and forever will be.

We love you sweet boy and above all else, today we are feeling pride and honor to be your parents. We feel you. We know you are with us, just as we are with you. Missing you so.

Love Forever.

All Work, No Pray

It's my son's first birthday today and I am sitting here at work, cause apparently they can't survive without me today. I was really hoping for a quiet day of reflection and rememberance, but it's not looking to be that way so far. If you can't tell, I am resentful of being here. I know this is my boss's way of telling me to "buck up and get on with it." Maybe I do need to, but I really don't think today is a day to hold myself to that. I am resentful that among all the other feelings and emotions I have today, the biggest one I feel right now is anger. I am trying not to let it get to me, cause I realize that people just don't get it. I guess I just didn't think that my boss was one of those people.

So instead of spending the day with Josh and our dogs, family and friends...I am here at work, not trying to put on a happy face like every other day. Someone here told me to be strong...well I really don't feel like being strong today. Really, is that so unreasonable?

To those co-workers of mine that may be reading this...I am sorry if this is brutally honest. Actually I am not sorry. I really think most of you who are reading this, understand where I am coming from, and for those that think I am being unreasonable...I really don't have it in me to care. All I care about today and everyday is my boy, my family and friends. I guess I just should have called in sick rather than trying to be honest about it and expecting them to understand.

I hope that I can push this anger aside and allow myself to feel what I want to feel, cause this is sure as hell not the way I imagined this day to begin...

Dear Someone

Dreambag

I took my dreams out of the bag.
I placed them down, I laid them flat.
I looked at how they stained my hands with truth.

I could not quite figure out
the explosive fear and raging doubt
that pulsed throughout my heart as I stared.

They seemed to me vague memory;
a misty, veiled, darkened sea.
A domain into which I was not allowed.

But the bag had one more dream abound.
I pulled the cord and heard the sound.
And now that laughter fills my heart with joy.

Missing you, son.
Love,
Dad

gloomy

Again, feeling very anxious today. This rainy weather is compounding it. It was raining one year ago as well. I love the rain, but seriously could use some sun this week.

feeling anxious

Today I am remembering one year ago, the Sunday before Abram was born. It was his due date, Sept 23. I was having so much anxiety. I was wanting to go into labor so badly. I drank castor oil and had anxiety about that. (Although my anxiety over worrying about the side effects far outweighed the actual experience...it really wasn't that bad.)

We were both anxious. We really wanted him to come that day. We took walks, we went on a drive just to get out for a bit. We paced the floor, at least it felt like that. Looking back at that day and the anxiety we felt...it compares not at all, to the anxiety we have felt everyday since our boy left.

It's crazy how much can happen in a year...

Final Report

It has taken us 12 weeks to get the nerve to get Abram's reports from the Medical Examiner. I begged and screamed for them not to do an autopsy on our boy that day. It wasn't even debated. We had no choice. I knew then what an autopsy entailed and was horrified at the thought of them performing one on Abram. We knew then it wouldn't show anything and of course, wouldn't change anything. Despite already knowing that, we had to get the reports. It is our information to know. I still have resentment about that fact that we had to seek the information out. I don't think a phone call was too much to ask from the Salt Lake County Sheriff's Department or from the man that looked me in the eye and promised me that he would take care of our son. Famous last words...

I have read a lot of surgical reports in my life, but nothing like this one. It was pretty surreal reading such details about your son. We read and analyzed every word of those reports. We just couldn't not read them. So many things about them bothered us....

"This 7 month, 8 day old caucasian male died of probable Sudden Infant Death Syndrome." Probable? As in you're not sure?...syndrome? He had no symptoms, he showed no signs.... "The body is cold." The body? His body. "The leather cord bracelet is secured to the left ankle." It was his wrist. "The infant appeared well cared for." Appeared? How about he was well cared for. As if there was a question. Josh thought that should have said "The infant was loved and treasured".... "Time of Death 12:23 pm." The only-ifs didn't take long to surface after reading that.

We realize that this is a job for this man. We know he had no choice either. I think we both just hope that he took a second to realize just how precious that little body was, before he traumatized it in a way I never imagined. And believe me...I have imagined.

Feeling Green

Man it feels hard today. The jealousy I feel towards all those surrounding us that still have their babies is pretty intense. It's so hard when you tell yourself not to feel something, but you just can't help it and it hits you like a ton of bricks. It literally feels like someone has kicked me in the gut. It just feels like more than I can bear right now... I can't do this.

Memories of Abram

For some reason, it's much easier for me to get my thoughts out here than in my journal. Therefore, I am afraid this blog has become my way of journaling.

It's such a strange thing to have such wonderful memories bring you so much pain. I know I have expressed this before, but it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. I have been allowing myself to remember things more clearly, which compels me to write them down. So many perfect moments...

The very first look he gave me as they held him over the drape. The way he would run his arm up around his head and down his face while he was nursing. The comments we got from the nurses about how adorable he was with his sandy blonde hair. His faker cry. The way he put the soles of his little feet together. How much he loved laying on the changing table and stare at his octupus. The way he would sleep on my chest, in his carrier, for hours at a time while I worked. How much he loved to watch and listen to Dad play guitar. The way he would "mmm" when we fed him. The way he would rock himself back and forth in his circus. The way he didn't cry when Libby or Lyle tried to lick his face right off. His curled up fists in the bath. His chubby legs standing on my tummy. His belly laugh when his Dad would rub his whiskers on his back. The way he looked in red. How he loved to sleep in bed with Mom and Dad. How is eyes wouldn't always shut completely when he was sleeping. How he loved his binki. How he loved to be sang to. How he would "drill" Dad, by trying to nurse on him. The way he would stop crying if you took him outside....

I just hope these moments stay as fresh in my mind as they are right now. I miss you Abram- so much more than I ever thought possible.

Dreaming of Abram

Probably about a week after Abram's death, I told Josh that I felt like I just couldn't wake up from a bad dream. He told me then that it was opposite for him. He said that to him, our time with Abram was what felt like a dream. As time has gone on, I feel the same way. My memories of Abram feel like dreams. My dreams of Abram feel so real. He feels so close, yet so far. It's so strange.

My dreams have been pretty intense. I have had dreams where he is suddenly back, and we are all running around trying to keep him alive. I have dreamed about finding him lifeless, but when I picked him up, he started breathing again. I dreamed of Abram and Gavin crawling on the grass together, just as they should be. I have dreamed about walking into a room and seeing Abram as a toddler, sitting on a chair eating a cracker. I could see him, but he couldn't see me. It's so hard waking up from those dreams and realizing all over again, that he is indeed gone from us.

Just like our dear sister Rebecca said, "Abram is a physical manifestation of a dream." Those words ring so true. I am just so sad that it only lasted as long as it did.

More powerful words from Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet".....

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit,
not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

15 weeks...

15 weeks ago today, the existence we adored...ended. Missing you like crazy Abe.

inner struggle

I feel like I can't go anywhere or do anything without thinking of Abram. I guess that's what parenthood is about- always thinking of your children first. But for me, it's hard to be constantly thinking about what you don't have. I can't go to the store without wanting to go down the baby aisle. I can't go to the book store without thinking what book I should be buying on "Baby's First's".   I can't take a bath anymore because it's just not the same without Abe in there with me. Even work is hardly a distraction cause he was the "office baby." It just feels so wrong to do anything without him. If I'm not re-living memories of him in my mind, then I'm imagining what that moment or experience would be like if he were here. It's just so consuming sometimes. I guess I am just struggling with that inner battle of wanting to remember every part of Abram but at the same time pushing those thoughts out of my head because they bring so much pain. Unfortunately, I am unable to escape the pain for now and am looking forward to the day when remembering him doesn't hurt so much and my inner struggle ends. 

Unbreakable

I have had so many people ask how Josh and I are doing? As in, is our marriage surviving this? For me, it's impossible to imagine this putting a wedge between us. If anything, it has brought us so much closer together. He knows exactly what I am feeling, we share the same thoughts. There have been times that I have been reluctant to say what I am thinking or feeling, in fear that it may upset him more, but it always turns out that the same thing has crossed his mind. I am grateful that he is one that can give of himself. Some of the words that come out of him just amaze me. Hearing my own feelings come out in his words is really remarkable. These difficult times have shown me that I can love him more than I thought possible, and I do. Just as he was saying the other day, we could go on and on about why we love each other....

He grounds me, he supports me, he cries with me, he loves his family, he loves this earth, he loves music, he loves words, he loves his work, he is intelligent, he truly cares about people, he rescues fallen birds, he insisted on making Abram's food, he's adorable, he has great dimples, he loves his home, he is respectful, he is strong, he is compassionate, he loves the ocean, he loves me, he loves our son.... 

The First Time I Saw You

The first time I saw you, I dreamt of what you would look like in the very next second...

And when that second came, I dreamt of the next.

Abe's Garden in Brookings

I wanted to post the dedication we gave for Abe in Oregon. Bethany asked if she could have a copy, as well as Mom, so I thought I'd just put it on the blog. It was a short dedication, but it felt really good to us. It is so nice to have his presence there, and to know that many loved ones will be able to visit the spot often. These are pictures of the memorial. I made the stone and my buddy Brad made the beautiful box to put Abe's things in. Thanks Lane for the beautiful wood.

Abram's Memorial Dedication June 26, 2008

Abram,
We stand here today in absence of your body, but with your spirit in our hearts. We feel you in the breeze. We feel you in the waves. We feel you in the sand beneath our feet. We feel you everywhere and in everything. We dedicate this spot to your memory, so that it may be a beacon for your spirit and energy. We dedicate this spot as hallowed ground so that it may be forever in your name. For your name is forever in us. We love you and we miss you so much.

Birthday Wishes

Thanks to all that have remembered my birthday and wished me well. Birthdays are just another thing make you realize how loved you are. I am fortunate to be surrounded by the friends and family that I have. As good as it feels, there is and always will be that empty hole that is just never filled. I am missing my boy pretty intensely today. We went to visit his resting place and took him some of the flowers that were brought to me. It felt surprisingly good but so hard at the same time. It is so sad that Abram never got to experience his first birthday. Never got to eat cake, never got to be sang to. I'm afraid I am here again, fighting the bitterness. So on this birthday I wish for peace and contentment, as my ultimate birthday wish is not possible. Above all my sadness today, I feel pride for being Abram's mother.

Out of My Deeper Heart

As Abram's Father, I feel an immense sense of loss for my little man. I could go on and on about how much I love him, how much I miss him, how much truth he brought to my life. But where would that take me? Nobody will really ever know. I found a beautiful poem by Kahlil Gibran, my new favorite, that touches me almost as deeply as Abe did. It really sums up my feelings about my son. It reads...

Out of My Deeper Heart

Out of my deeper heart a bird rose and flew skyward.
Higher and higher did it rise, yet larger and larger did it grow.
At first it was but like a swallow, then a lark, then an eagle, then as vast as a spring cloud, and then it filled the starry heavens.
Out of my deeper heart a bird flew skyward. And it waxed larger as it flew. Yet it left not my heart.

O my faith, my untamed knowledge, how shall I fly to your height and see with you man's larger self pencilled upon the sky?
How shall I turn this sea within me into mist, and move with you in space immeasurable?
How can a prisoner within the temple behold it's golden domes?
How shall the heart of the fruit be stretched to envelop the fruit also?
O my faith, I am in chains behind these bars of silver and ebony, and I cannot fly with you.
Yet out of my deeper heart you rise skyward, and it is my heart that holds you, and I shall be content.

No more "TGIF"

Everyone just loves Fridays! Well, I don't. Abram died on a Friday. Every Friday around 1 pm I get a sick feeling in my stomach and that panic feeling returns. You were so right Tricia- panic is the only way to describe that feeling. I try so hard not to think about that day. I don't want that one day to invade my thoughts and memories of Abram, but it's hard not to. Josh and I have talked about how we remember that day. All of us spent the morning together before work, which was a first for us. We both remember his mood that morning, happy yet somber. Josh remembers his whimper as he sat in his high chair and waited for me to get his blueberries and mush. I remember the look he gave me as I kissed him goodbye at the babysitter's. It was the only morning I remember that he didn't give me his big grin. He gave me a deep stare with tears in his big eyes. He didn't cry, he just stared. Looking back at it now, I truly believe that he knew. He knew that he would be leaving us behind that day and was sad. I told Josh in the car how Abram looked at me. It hit me then and it haunts me now. How I wish that I would have stayed a few minutes longer to see that smile again.

10 months ago today....

I just realized that Abram would be 10 months old today. It hurts to see the words on the page. Remembering the day of his birth brings up so many emotions. What a day that was! We had planned and anticipated that day so much. We spent all of last summer becoming proficient in the Bradley Method of Natural Childbirth. We attended our classes, practiced our relaxation and positioning techniques. We were prepared. After walking around 4 cm dilated for 3 weeks, I had to be induced the day after my due date. We did everything possible to prevent this, even taking Castor Oil. The castor oil got the contractions started but they weren't regular enough, so off to the hospital we went. After a very quick labor (I went from 4 to 10 cm in about one hour after she broke my water) and five hours of pushing, Abram still didn't want to come. We had to resign ourselves to a surgical birth, which was fairly devastating at the time. Looking back now, it seems so crazy to be so upset over it, but I was. I felt like I had failed at giving Abram a natural birth. Josh was so supportive and reassuring. He never doubted for a second that we were doing everything right. So at 7:17 pm on September 24th 2007, Abram Dean Jones made his appearance and changed us completely for the first time, but not the last.

When will I stop counting?

11 weeks, 6 days since our boy left us. We instantaneously became different people and know we will never be the same again. Having a baby changes you in so many ways, but losing your child causes you to view everything in life so differently.....absolutely everything. People are starting to ask us "Is it getting any easier yet?" They seem surprised when I tell them that if anything it seems to be getting harder. As time goes on, we are faced with more lost moments and milestones, and our yearning for those moments gets stronger. It is very scary to imagine living the rest of your life with this kind of pain and despair. We get strength from each other, our friends and family, but above all we get comfort from Abram. He has never left us....Abe Saves.