Final Report

It has taken us 12 weeks to get the nerve to get Abram's reports from the Medical Examiner. I begged and screamed for them not to do an autopsy on our boy that day. It wasn't even debated. We had no choice. I knew then what an autopsy entailed and was horrified at the thought of them performing one on Abram. We knew then it wouldn't show anything and of course, wouldn't change anything. Despite already knowing that, we had to get the reports. It is our information to know. I still have resentment about that fact that we had to seek the information out. I don't think a phone call was too much to ask from the Salt Lake County Sheriff's Department or from the man that looked me in the eye and promised me that he would take care of our son. Famous last words...

I have read a lot of surgical reports in my life, but nothing like this one. It was pretty surreal reading such details about your son. We read and analyzed every word of those reports. We just couldn't not read them. So many things about them bothered us....

"This 7 month, 8 day old caucasian male died of probable Sudden Infant Death Syndrome." Probable? As in you're not sure?...syndrome? He had no symptoms, he showed no signs.... "The body is cold." The body? His body. "The leather cord bracelet is secured to the left ankle." It was his wrist. "The infant appeared well cared for." Appeared? How about he was well cared for. As if there was a question. Josh thought that should have said "The infant was loved and treasured".... "Time of Death 12:23 pm." The only-ifs didn't take long to surface after reading that.

We realize that this is a job for this man. We know he had no choice either. I think we both just hope that he took a second to realize just how precious that little body was, before he traumatized it in a way I never imagined. And believe me...I have imagined.