Terminal Gravity

We went and visited Abram's grave yesterday. We wanted to get in some more flowers before the real winter sets in, and say hello to our boy as well. I really enjoy going to the cemetery, to my surprise. It gives me the best earthly connection and contact with Abe. When I'm there, I can give pause to the day and reverence to my boy. It soothes me.

I know some people don't enjoy these sorts of visits, not necessarily in regard to Abe, but their own loved ones. That makes me sad, but to each his own, right? I think it's because they view it as a sad place rather than a resting place, I don't know. But for me it really allows me to focus on the gravity of the whole situation. As I sit there and think about Abe the dam breaks, and the flood ensues. As I claw my fingers into the grass for some sort of penetration, I feel the weight of this loss. But I think that me and Jamie both are learning how to own this grief, and that feels good. I would not wish this kind of pain on anyone, but there is a part of me that has been feeling sort of bad for people that don't own something like this. What in the heck do they think about over the course of a day? What in the heck did I ever think about? What is it people actually allow themselves to become upset over?

If I could say that Abram left us with a gift, it would be this: An eternal ocean of emotion and mystery. A fork in the road will either bring a shortcut or some lengthy, bumpy tread. I choose the bumpy route. Not because it's the road less traveled, but rather the road most feared. I have overcome any residual fear of death. Death is rebirth. You think this life is important? You think this planet gives even one nod to your moans and groans? You think you can glide on through the slick shortcut, and your caravan of wealth will somehow give you something back? Well... keep on thinkin'! The day you die is the day you learn.

I guess my point has become misconstrued. Look at it this way: Out of the 6.5 billion people on this planet, I am the only one that has my grief. I am the only one that knows it intimately and I am the only one who treasures it. It's sort of like having your own star trek holodeck. A room in which only you can step into, and you can tell it what you want to see. It reflects your emotions, passions, fears, confusion and hopes. In fact, it doesn't reflect, but instead projects. It projects the true colors of this life. It projects the real scenario, the real situation. It allows the veil to be lifted for a bit. It takes the ordinary pressures of this life and quakes them. Just as a mountain will jolt over plates, your soul will be road-rashed by life.

I miss Abram terribly. Jamie misses him equally so, if not more. Our world is like a penny thrown into a well; Dark and absent, among many. It's a world of love/hate, a world of give/take. I have to try really hard to not tout my arrogance about on this topic. I personally believe Abram to be holier than the collective thou. Why else would we have named him Abram, Father of the multitudes? Like Dylan said, "As his youth now unfolds, he is centuries old". And he is...

I'm just saying the cemetery's good! Death has a hidden gift inside the sickly, ill-textured surface. Gravity lightens, as the terminal path shows itself in golden light.

Holiday Hiding

We have been debating whether or not we wanted to participate in holiday celebrations this year. Well, debating is really not the right word cause it really wasn't a hard decision for us to make. We just don't feel like celebrating this year! We had our boy last holiday season, which was our happiest one ever because of him. He made it fun and enjoyable for us. We just can't seem to stomach the thought of parties and presents and all those things that come with the holidays. It literally makes me sick and brings on some serious panic. So we have decided to let the holidays pass us by this year and quietly reflect on our boy and all the things he gave us and continues to give us. We recognize that this may not be the healthiest way of coping through the holidays, but it feels like the only option for us and it feels right.



To our family that will be missing us at these celebrations...we are sorry to miss out on being with you all during this special time of year. We want to be with you too but we have learned that missing loved ones is a part of life that we all have to deal with. We know of your love for us and you have no idea how much it carries us through our despair. Please know of our love for you all and that our decision to skip the holidays has nothing to do with any of you. You will be with us in our hearts, and we with you...as well as our dear sweet Abe.



We love you all so much...forever.

Little Whale

I just received the most wonderful letter in the mail, or rather, Abram did. It was from the Pacific Whale Foundation informing Abram of a special gift donation that was set up in his name from my mom and papa Gene. In addition, they arranged for 4 little rubber whales to race in his name (rubber ducky style) in the annual Wild & Wonderful Whale Regatta. If Abram's whale(s) come in first place, Jamie and I will win a trip to Maui. As the letter states: "Maui and the other islands of Hawaii are the wintertime home of the majority of the humpback whales of the North Pacific. The whales come to Maui each year to mate, give birth and care for their young. Around 7,000 to 10,000 whales are found here each winter. Pacific Whale Foundation's marine education programs help to teach schoolchildren about the need to protect these majestic 40-ton animals and their ocean habitat."

This is such a special gift.

Only my mom could nail it like that. She semi-frequents Hawaii and was heading down there a short while ago. I was talking to her about the trip and I mentioned a story I had heard on the radio about this very whale migration topic. I told her what I heard which was basically what the letter stated. "Just kind of interesting", I told her. How funny that she runs into this foundation on her trip and probably thought to herself, "josh was just talking to me about this!" Then felt compelled to donate on Abram's behalf. She will never know the depth of penetration this had into my heart. I love the ocean. It scares the living daylights out of me, but I love it. And she knows this. She also knows I love animals and cringe at the thought of losing something so majestic as the species of the humpback. Or any species for that matter. I know I sound lofty and hippie, but I don't care.

I'm thinking right now about those four little whales named Abram Dean Jones, racing in excitement through a winding, wet course. All for the benefit of a giant, gentle ocean dweller. I'm thinking about the bursting smile on Abram's face as he anticipates the race, knowing he can win. Right now, my heart is warm...

another first

This past week brought another first for me...had someone ask me "How's the baby?" I've been dreading this moment for months now, and I was right to do so. The person who asked me is a dear woman. I felt almost as badly for her as I did for myself. Of course, we were standing in the middle of the office. The room went silent and still, at least that's how it felt to me. The ultimate of awkward moments. It sent me into it...it stayed with me all day...still is.

So again, another first, but I know it won't be the last.

Baby Earth

I feel really bad that I haven't posted the short talk I gave at Abe's funeral. I can't explain why, I just haven't done it yet. Many family members asked me for it after that day, and I told all of them that I'd get it to em. Alas, I have not.
I'm posting it now so that anyone can copy it, or just read it, whatever. I honestly have not revisited these words for almost 6 months, although they're memorized in my head. It's interesting to read now. It's bizarre to me that I equated nature to love, or rather, my love for my son. But I think about it and it's true...this is our home away from home.
Jamie and I have been called "tree huggers" for as long as I have known her. It's never bothered us. We do love trees, but we don't hug them. I don't if anyone out there has ever tried to hug a giant redwood, but it would take ten of you! Trees to us are majesty. Just as the oceans, the mountains, our rivers, deserts and biodiversity are. If you resign yourself to believing in any sort of GOD that had any sort of role in the creation of this world we call home...YOU SHOULD BE HUGGING TREES!!!
Society has given environmentalism a very bad name (boo!). Caring about the planet that is your home should be considered a virtue, not a hopeless fantasy. People that think it's funny to "tease" someone lamenting the destruction of our world, to me, seem quite misguided.
Abram would have loved Oregon. He would have loved the trees and ocean sooo much! The sand, the birds, the waves, the rocks, sea life, the wind, the rain, the sun...our world.
So, if you ever happen to find yourself in this beautiful and natural world, don't be afraid to remark upon it. She is loving you, you should love her. He is loving you, you should love him...

Abram's Funeral Talk

Anyone who knows me & Jamie well knows we love the Oregon coast. We go there year after year on our vacation and it has become a second home to us. We fell in love in Oregon and we were married in secret in Oregon. It is a place of most importance to us, for it reveals to us so many things.

We see in the crashing waves the epic journey a burst of energy can take. We see in the redwoods an ancient time emerging from the earth. We see in the crystal waters of the Chetco River a cooperation of balance so delicate and fragile. We watch in wonder as nature dances and unfolds before us. We have grown to crave these wonders like a drug. We are addicted.

I have never known how to express the feelings I have when I’m in this magical place. Time stands still. Worries are obsolete. Peace is in abundance. Suffering gone. Everything that’s good and true in this world explodes into our souls like shrapnel from the heavens. We are humbled by humility. And so we set forth, year after year, seeking out that spiritual experience we have grown to love... Then we had our son.

We saw in Abram’s eyes the depths of the oceans. We saw in his eyes the old growth forests. We saw in his eyes the delicate ecosystem that cradled an ancient man. We saw in his eyes the universe, the cosmos, and the heavens. In his eyes we saw god.

Abram is a design of love. Abram is a product, a creation of love. Abram is a manifestation of the perfect things in the world. A tiny, little package of all the good wrapped up into one. Abram is love. And love is nature. Love is music. Love is human. Love is God. Love is real! Untouchable. Unbreakable. Undeniable.

tummy time

Here is another video that Steph took of Abe, while we were in Bear Lake for Easter weekend (so just over a month before he died). This video is of him trying to crawl...or something. He was always a tummy boy, so I thought he would crawl early. He almost made it...

detached

I have received a few calls and texts over the last couple days from people that said they just needed to let me know that they were thinking of me. It helps so much to hear that, cause honestly right now...I feel so lonely. I have Josh, who is my life and love...he is what gets me up in the morning. As grateful as I am for him, and for family and friends, I feel this overwhelming emptiness. I still feel like I am holding out for something to change, for something to happen to make this ache go away. It's the strangest feeling...being so conflicted...knowing that nothing can change or take away this pain but feeling like there's something...?

I know that everyone around us is so wanting us to have another baby. It's the question that everyone wants to ask, but doesn't. They don't need to...we know what they're thinking. We are thinking it too. We can't imagine not fulfilling that tangible role as parent again. We are scared of trying...getting our hopes up and not having it happen. It took over 5 years to get Abram here. I know that everyone says that having a new child is not to replace Abram, but no matter what they say, it's hard not to feel like that is what we would be doing. We wouldn't be thinking of having another child if Abram were here...that I am sure of. I am also sure that if we do have another baby, it's never going to be as easy or as fun as it was with Abe. It's just so scary...

My dreams of Abram are regular now. It has taken awhile for them to really kick in, but they definitely have now. Dreams too, bring such a conflict within me. It so hard to wake from them, realizing our reality once again. It puts me in such a funk. It definitely affects my sleep. But I can't say that I have bad dreams...they are beautiful, treasured ones. I love that my remind me of the way his downy, soft hair felt on my skin...how heavy he was...how it felt nursing him. We all know how real our dreams feel as we dreaming them, and those feelings you have at the front of your mind upon waking...so one can imagine how difficult it is to just simply shake it off..and go on. Unfortunately, that's what we have to do to survive. That's all we get.

Days pass by...life goes on. It's been half a year since our boy was with us, which is so strange in itself. I am still so angry but I don't know at what or who. I still feel so cheated. I resent people I shouldn't. I still feel such despair and pain. I feel un-lucky, despite having so many things to be grateful for. I feel so detached from everything around me. I feel lost on a path that is sure and steady...being surrounded by everything I need for help and guidance, but not quite being able to reach it.

Just like my dearest friend said, I wish that he were here, or I were there.

Love you all.

Vote For Abe!

So, it's election day. A very tense and urgent time for everyone. People have their political views spread out all over the map. I find it quite interesting at times that in a country where we all need pretty much the same things, people can be so incredibly divided and naive. I don't have much faith in the political structure of this country, meaning, I don't think either candidate will have a profound impact in Washington. I do however think it's extremely imperative that we all voice our opinions in the way of voting. It is truly the simplest way to be heard. I understand that many people (myself included) can feel alienated by the processes the political machine take to arrive at the inevitable Dem. and G.O.P. candidates. But just remember, you CAN vote for anyone you want! Hell, most eligible voters could RUN for President if they wanted too!

The voting arena is concretely democratic. It is the scale on which we weigh public opinion. With the exception of the Electoral College and voting machines, I believe it to be sound. I do wish we used the popular vote, it just makes the most sense. But however disheartening this may be, we have to remember it could be so much worse. Democracy only works with the contributing actions of it's people. It will only survive if people see it for what it is, then embrace and harbor it. Even then (as i know from experience), it can be dead and gone in a heartbeat. So keep it alive folks!

I voted early this year, which was totally awesome! But I can't stop thinking about how big this day is. People are out in droves! I just passed by the elementary school by our house and it is packed! It gives me butterflies. I feel good about my vote. Really good. I just wish Abram were here to see this. He lived for seven months under the presidency of George W. Bush. BUMMER!!! If he were here today, I would be taking him down to the school to see everybody lined up to vote. I would tell him about what they were all there to do, even though I know he probably wouldn't understand. I always intended on starting him early, and this would have been a golden moment to do so.

So peace out! Get out and vote!!