last looks

Just remembering one year ago.... We went to a party at a friend's house. We left Abe with his Aunt Beth. It didn't take us long to start missing him, we wanted him there with us. We had a good time with our friends, but our thoughts were still at home. When the clock struck midnight, we toasted and kissed....then were out the door by 12:02. We couldn't get home fast enough. We thought we missed him then....

Cheers to the best and worst year of our lives...so far.

Happy Birthday Dad!

Well, I've been sitting here now for 30 mins (in tears, of course), trying to get out what I want to say, but I simply can't express it. All I can say is my heart is busting with love and adoration for my best friend, my hubby, Abe's Daddy.

Happy Birthday Josh! We love you more than you know.

another, especially hard, first

Today has been a cold & dreary day. Not the perfect day to visit the cemetery, but we are glad we did, as we always are. It's so hard going, yet it's something we have to do. His dear Grandma & Papa Gene brought him this tree, and we added a few trimmings to it. We took him a pinwheel, as always. It hasn't exactly been a Christmas of glad tidings, but one we will remember for sure.

(Thank you to Grandpa Bob and Suzan for bringing Abe's scroogy Mom and Dad a tree too. It's just what we needed. love you)

Merry Christmas Angel

It just doesn't feel right not having you here with us. Only one Christmas with you just isn't enough..

Solitude

Love gives me the world.
The world gives me love... but balance is not idle.
It is rocky-smooth, bitter-sweet tumbleweed growth,
rolling on forever in the storm.
Passing by the cheerful with a handout to the destitute.

The wind will pine for canyon walls, yet the narrow remains still.
The mind will yearn for fanciful dreams, yet wake up stale and groggy.
The truth will search in broad daylight, yet end up lost in Falseville.
The lighthouse will beckon the ship back in, yet beholden to sunken lore.

Solitude is strange... with presence to boot.
Full of spacial texture and curious contrast.
It is something you want to dive into, yet observe by the wayside.
Something that's absorbing albeit rather slow... dried beans vs sea-sponge...
enticement + wonder - reality = lonely.

...I want you, but I can't have you now...

still scroogy

Just a friendly reminder...we are not doing Christmas this year. No parties, no presents....no turkeys, no tinsel. So for those of you that have held out hope that the yuletide spirit would cajole us out of our Bah-humbug-ness and warm our icy hearts...sorry, it's simply not possible. Like Josh said, we are spending Christmas at the grave of our boy. What more can we say?

Please stop taking it personally.... We love you.

the crisp is gone

yesterday
was
yesterday

today
is
today

freshness lasts through the night
but morning wilts the edge

you can't keep it much longer
you'll have to throw it out

here
was
here

there
is
there

you'd like to think it's the universe
but it's all inside your head

vision clearly sought
blurry in the end

then
was
then

now
is
now

fuel stocked for winter
is but ashes by the fall

you feel the warmth somewhere
you can't bear the cold

A claim upon your love

It is the snow-flake in you running down to the sea.
K.G.

time

Well, as of today...Abram has been gone longer than he was here. We are missing him more now, than ever. Time has yet to heal this gaping wound...

You'll Shoot You're Eye Out!

Dear Santa,

I want the squishy stuff.  I want zerbits and belly laughs.  I want smooth, milky skin on my lips.  I want the softest hair on earth.  I want poopies and pee-pees.  I want nakedness.  I want skin on water on skin.  I want neck tickles and butterfly kisses.  I want boxer fists and wonder woes.  I want random, heavy panting and sporadic, lengthy sighs.  I want the improvised-pee-missile in my face.  I want rattle spinning and circus tunes.  I want Imagine playing in the other room.  I want white noise.  I want real noise.  I want my audience.  I want my biggest fan.  I want my memory.  I want fatherhood.

Happy Face (Heavy Part II)

Happy Face is a patient man.  Happy Face is calm, collected and present.  Happy Face likes to smile even when things are all wrong.  Happy Face likes to find that little bit of good some call "the silver lining".  Happy Face tries really hard to keep his raging emotions in control.  Happy Face doesn't think it's nice to throw his poo poo at other people, especially unsuspecting people.  Happy Face likes to keep to himself and stay out of the way of others.  Happy Face is full of endurance, strength and will... but Happy Face is overworked and old.

Happy Face needs a vacation, a hiatus, an extended holiday.  Happy Face needs to relax, rejuvenate, recharge.  Happy Face is tired of seeing happier faces look unhappier than his own.  Happy Face needs to leave before he becomes unhappy.  So his twin, Don't Even Think About Speaking To Me Face, will be holding down the fort.  He's a real big jerk, but he keeps good house.  

heavy

my anger and jealousy are raging today...out of control. it doesn't feel good. i don't know how much longer i can't stand it.. for real. my "happy face" is fading...i don't care. top it off with guilt for having these feelings. it makes for a real heavy burden to carry around with me every second of every day. it absolutely sucks to desperately want something you can't have. but i can't help it...i want my baby. he wants me...i know he does. he just knows more than me so he doesn't hurt like i do. thank god for that.

Dawson, Elijah Trey and Rebecca

Dawson,

My friend.  I am so sorry i am distant at this point in your life.  I am elated for you and your new family, but my elation taunts my pain.  I know precisely what you're feeling right now and thus my heart aches.

I see your beaming face.  I see your dazed, glossy eyes.  I hear your quivering voice and sense your reluctant exuberance.  Please forgive me.

It's your time to gush. 

Elijah Trey,

Baby boy.  Welcome!  Your father is a good man.  He is gentle, caring, thoughtful, hard working and intelligent.  You are lucky to be born into such a nurturing environment.  They are full of love and ready to give it freely.  Please say hello to my boy while you still can.  

Rebecca,

My Sister.  You pulled me back from a teetering edge today.  Your letters are stunningly beautiful and forever treasured.  Your timing too, is most remarkable.  You have healed a small part of a gaping wound.  Please know I love you and your words.  They make me cry in a familiar way instead of the lost and abandoned way.  They bring me back home.  Thank you for taking Abram mountaineering with you and Evan.  That makes me smile.  

I love you so much!