It's a sad realization...
Those that met him once or twice now have probably forgotten.
if only they ever knew...
Best friends, unaware of the bliss that possessed me.
Family, unfamiliar to my own.
Strangers clutching to generic, worn out scribe.
This annual parade of alienation is already spent.
Raw.
Exposed.
Drying in the sun.
If only they knew my innermost...
If only it would surface...
I would collect the pride that is due.
I would resume in dignity.
If only...
I am beginning to feel a tight strain.
Embodied tension in the Get-Over-Its'.
But getting over inevitably leads to descent.
I would rather ascend.
I would prefer to stay on the outside forever, the sole member of a third party.
There I can be with the photographs.
There I can be with the pit in my heart, which is the stone of the fruit.
The one thing left in me that no outsider can see.
That invisible thing that envelops my world...
If only...
June 24, 2009
June 21, 2009
Our Daddy
How do I wish my baby's daddy a Happy Father's Day? I really have no words other than- I feel like the luckiest woman on earth to have him on my team, right by my side, with me. Thank you Josh for being the best husband and father that I could have ever dreamed of. You make Abram and I so proud. He is missing you too babe. I know he is.
I love you. Happy Father's Day.
June 10, 2009
check-in
I thought I’d better drop a line here and check-in...
Angel Day was hard. Mother’s Day was far worse. It’s hard to believe it’s been a year since Abe left us. It still sucks as much as it did then. Overall, I think the day was easier than I anticipated it being. We received a lot of love and support thru cards, texts, calls, gifts. It meant so much that so many honored our boy and we were glad that so many visited his sacred spot for us on that day. Thank you to you all! I have to confess that it doesn’t feel great to have your son recognized most on the day he died. It’s nobody’s fault that it happens that way, it just does. It is what it is, just like the rest of life….satisfying yet disappointing. We spent that time in Bear Lake, where it was serene and quiet (SO quiet, it was awesome!). I know that the day would have been harder had we been home, so I think we will make that tradition and get the hell out of dodge on that dreaded anniversary. I’d like to tack Mother’s Day onto that and skip the whole thing but I don’t think my beloved mothers would appreciate that. I just keep hoping that someday Mother's day will be a joyous one for me too and I can celebrate it the way it should be. I know that I am still a mother, but I am here to tell you that it’s just not the same. People don’t quite know how to treat a childless mother on Mother’s Day. It’s awkward and just not fun. Father’s Day now coming….ughh, another doozy. My baby’s daddy is quietly dreading it…I know.
Anyways, we came home from Bear Lake to BLOOMS…. Blooming flowers sent by friends, flowers at Abe’s spot, one of our trees we planted in Abe’s honor bloomed while we were gone. It was nice to come home to such love. Our yard has erupted in color and life. We joke about how much time we spend just staring at the yard and literally watching things grow. We love it! It has been nice to have something to tend and nurture, so Thanks again to our family and friends for making our yard beautiful for us.
I have had a few of my dear friends tell me that they can notice a big difference in me. That is good to hear but part of me hates hearing it too. It’s just part of my crazy and irrational thinking but there is something about my bitterness that I want to hold onto. It’s like if I let it go, then I’m letting Abe go or somehow he feels further away. It’s hard to explain but I can’t let it go completely. I do love my own hell at times. I can say though that I am feeling better. I attribute it to my counseling or specifically, my counselor. Valarie has saved me. She has taught me to listen to my body and to give into it, follow it. It takes so much practice and I still am failing at it in most attempts, but I can see how it has helped me deal with my anxiety, panic and anger. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a far cry from healing…I don’t know what that even means but I do think that it’s getting easier to breathe.
I was reading a blog post from one of my club-members the other day and had a bit of an epiphany. It didn’t take me long to realize that once Abram died, we became different people. Instantaneously. Done. Gone. Goodbye. What I have just recently realized is that because of that, none of my relationships are the same either. Some are not as easy or as fun as they used to be. Some are more honest and open now. Some are closed off and silent. Some are scary and irritating. I just need to come to terms with the fact that they will never be the same. I know I need to work on these changed relationships, but I will never get them back to where they once were. They will be forever different, just like us. Another hard truth to accept...
Anyways, we came home from Bear Lake to BLOOMS…. Blooming flowers sent by friends, flowers at Abe’s spot, one of our trees we planted in Abe’s honor bloomed while we were gone. It was nice to come home to such love. Our yard has erupted in color and life. We joke about how much time we spend just staring at the yard and literally watching things grow. We love it! It has been nice to have something to tend and nurture, so Thanks again to our family and friends for making our yard beautiful for us.
I have had a few of my dear friends tell me that they can notice a big difference in me. That is good to hear but part of me hates hearing it too. It’s just part of my crazy and irrational thinking but there is something about my bitterness that I want to hold onto. It’s like if I let it go, then I’m letting Abe go or somehow he feels further away. It’s hard to explain but I can’t let it go completely. I do love my own hell at times. I can say though that I am feeling better. I attribute it to my counseling or specifically, my counselor. Valarie has saved me. She has taught me to listen to my body and to give into it, follow it. It takes so much practice and I still am failing at it in most attempts, but I can see how it has helped me deal with my anxiety, panic and anger. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a far cry from healing…I don’t know what that even means but I do think that it’s getting easier to breathe.
I was reading a blog post from one of my club-members the other day and had a bit of an epiphany. It didn’t take me long to realize that once Abram died, we became different people. Instantaneously. Done. Gone. Goodbye. What I have just recently realized is that because of that, none of my relationships are the same either. Some are not as easy or as fun as they used to be. Some are more honest and open now. Some are closed off and silent. Some are scary and irritating. I just need to come to terms with the fact that they will never be the same. I know I need to work on these changed relationships, but I will never get them back to where they once were. They will be forever different, just like us. Another hard truth to accept...
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