Five

Our boy would be five today. I should be waking him up by singing "Happy Birthday". I should be making birthday pancakes for him. I should be going crazy with party planning and decorating. Judson should be envious of all the attention his brother is getting.

I'm angry. I'm angry that I have no idea what a five year old likes. I'm angry that I find myself looking at clothes, wondering what size he would be in. I'm angry that I worry about Judson being an "only child" when in fact he is not. I'm angry that he has to carry around a picture of his brother, cause that's all he has. I want my first born. I want Judson to have his brother. I want the impossible.

Instead we make trinkets to take to his grave. We make cupcakes that we think he'd like. We sing "Happy Birthday" through tears. We will let his little brother blow out his candles and eat his cake. We do our best to hold onto our fading memory. It's hard to celebrate a life that is no longer.

I love you sweet boy. The love you brought to our hearts carries us through. We will forever honor and cherish this day.  Love and miss you to the moon and back.