Birthday Wishes

Thanks to all that have remembered my birthday and wished me well. Birthdays are just another thing make you realize how loved you are. I am fortunate to be surrounded by the friends and family that I have. As good as it feels, there is and always will be that empty hole that is just never filled. I am missing my boy pretty intensely today. We went to visit his resting place and took him some of the flowers that were brought to me. It felt surprisingly good but so hard at the same time. It is so sad that Abram never got to experience his first birthday. Never got to eat cake, never got to be sang to. I'm afraid I am here again, fighting the bitterness. So on this birthday I wish for peace and contentment, as my ultimate birthday wish is not possible. Above all my sadness today, I feel pride for being Abram's mother.

Out of My Deeper Heart

As Abram's Father, I feel an immense sense of loss for my little man. I could go on and on about how much I love him, how much I miss him, how much truth he brought to my life. But where would that take me? Nobody will really ever know. I found a beautiful poem by Kahlil Gibran, my new favorite, that touches me almost as deeply as Abe did. It really sums up my feelings about my son. It reads...

Out of My Deeper Heart

Out of my deeper heart a bird rose and flew skyward.
Higher and higher did it rise, yet larger and larger did it grow.
At first it was but like a swallow, then a lark, then an eagle, then as vast as a spring cloud, and then it filled the starry heavens.
Out of my deeper heart a bird flew skyward. And it waxed larger as it flew. Yet it left not my heart.

O my faith, my untamed knowledge, how shall I fly to your height and see with you man's larger self pencilled upon the sky?
How shall I turn this sea within me into mist, and move with you in space immeasurable?
How can a prisoner within the temple behold it's golden domes?
How shall the heart of the fruit be stretched to envelop the fruit also?
O my faith, I am in chains behind these bars of silver and ebony, and I cannot fly with you.
Yet out of my deeper heart you rise skyward, and it is my heart that holds you, and I shall be content.

No more "TGIF"

Everyone just loves Fridays! Well, I don't. Abram died on a Friday. Every Friday around 1 pm I get a sick feeling in my stomach and that panic feeling returns. You were so right Tricia- panic is the only way to describe that feeling. I try so hard not to think about that day. I don't want that one day to invade my thoughts and memories of Abram, but it's hard not to. Josh and I have talked about how we remember that day. All of us spent the morning together before work, which was a first for us. We both remember his mood that morning, happy yet somber. Josh remembers his whimper as he sat in his high chair and waited for me to get his blueberries and mush. I remember the look he gave me as I kissed him goodbye at the babysitter's. It was the only morning I remember that he didn't give me his big grin. He gave me a deep stare with tears in his big eyes. He didn't cry, he just stared. Looking back at it now, I truly believe that he knew. He knew that he would be leaving us behind that day and was sad. I told Josh in the car how Abram looked at me. It hit me then and it haunts me now. How I wish that I would have stayed a few minutes longer to see that smile again.

10 months ago today....

I just realized that Abram would be 10 months old today. It hurts to see the words on the page. Remembering the day of his birth brings up so many emotions. What a day that was! We had planned and anticipated that day so much. We spent all of last summer becoming proficient in the Bradley Method of Natural Childbirth. We attended our classes, practiced our relaxation and positioning techniques. We were prepared. After walking around 4 cm dilated for 3 weeks, I had to be induced the day after my due date. We did everything possible to prevent this, even taking Castor Oil. The castor oil got the contractions started but they weren't regular enough, so off to the hospital we went. After a very quick labor (I went from 4 to 10 cm in about one hour after she broke my water) and five hours of pushing, Abram still didn't want to come. We had to resign ourselves to a surgical birth, which was fairly devastating at the time. Looking back now, it seems so crazy to be so upset over it, but I was. I felt like I had failed at giving Abram a natural birth. Josh was so supportive and reassuring. He never doubted for a second that we were doing everything right. So at 7:17 pm on September 24th 2007, Abram Dean Jones made his appearance and changed us completely for the first time, but not the last.

When will I stop counting?

11 weeks, 6 days since our boy left us. We instantaneously became different people and know we will never be the same again. Having a baby changes you in so many ways, but losing your child causes you to view everything in life so differently.....absolutely everything. People are starting to ask us "Is it getting any easier yet?" They seem surprised when I tell them that if anything it seems to be getting harder. As time goes on, we are faced with more lost moments and milestones, and our yearning for those moments gets stronger. It is very scary to imagine living the rest of your life with this kind of pain and despair. We get strength from each other, our friends and family, but above all we get comfort from Abram. He has never left us....Abe Saves.