Dreaming of Abram

Probably about a week after Abram's death, I told Josh that I felt like I just couldn't wake up from a bad dream. He told me then that it was opposite for him. He said that to him, our time with Abram was what felt like a dream. As time has gone on, I feel the same way. My memories of Abram feel like dreams. My dreams of Abram feel so real. He feels so close, yet so far. It's so strange.

My dreams have been pretty intense. I have had dreams where he is suddenly back, and we are all running around trying to keep him alive. I have dreamed about finding him lifeless, but when I picked him up, he started breathing again. I dreamed of Abram and Gavin crawling on the grass together, just as they should be. I have dreamed about walking into a room and seeing Abram as a toddler, sitting on a chair eating a cracker. I could see him, but he couldn't see me. It's so hard waking up from those dreams and realizing all over again, that he is indeed gone from us.

Just like our dear sister Rebecca said, "Abram is a physical manifestation of a dream." Those words ring so true. I am just so sad that it only lasted as long as it did.

More powerful words from Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet".....

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit,
not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

15 weeks...

15 weeks ago today, the existence we adored...ended. Missing you like crazy Abe.

inner struggle

I feel like I can't go anywhere or do anything without thinking of Abram. I guess that's what parenthood is about- always thinking of your children first. But for me, it's hard to be constantly thinking about what you don't have. I can't go to the store without wanting to go down the baby aisle. I can't go to the book store without thinking what book I should be buying on "Baby's First's".   I can't take a bath anymore because it's just not the same without Abe in there with me. Even work is hardly a distraction cause he was the "office baby." It just feels so wrong to do anything without him. If I'm not re-living memories of him in my mind, then I'm imagining what that moment or experience would be like if he were here. It's just so consuming sometimes. I guess I am just struggling with that inner battle of wanting to remember every part of Abram but at the same time pushing those thoughts out of my head because they bring so much pain. Unfortunately, I am unable to escape the pain for now and am looking forward to the day when remembering him doesn't hurt so much and my inner struggle ends. 

Unbreakable

I have had so many people ask how Josh and I are doing? As in, is our marriage surviving this? For me, it's impossible to imagine this putting a wedge between us. If anything, it has brought us so much closer together. He knows exactly what I am feeling, we share the same thoughts. There have been times that I have been reluctant to say what I am thinking or feeling, in fear that it may upset him more, but it always turns out that the same thing has crossed his mind. I am grateful that he is one that can give of himself. Some of the words that come out of him just amaze me. Hearing my own feelings come out in his words is really remarkable. These difficult times have shown me that I can love him more than I thought possible, and I do. Just as he was saying the other day, we could go on and on about why we love each other....

He grounds me, he supports me, he cries with me, he loves his family, he loves this earth, he loves music, he loves words, he loves his work, he is intelligent, he truly cares about people, he rescues fallen birds, he insisted on making Abram's food, he's adorable, he has great dimples, he loves his home, he is respectful, he is strong, he is compassionate, he loves the ocean, he loves me, he loves our son.... 

The First Time I Saw You

The first time I saw you, I dreamt of what you would look like in the very next second...

And when that second came, I dreamt of the next.

Abe's Garden in Brookings

I wanted to post the dedication we gave for Abe in Oregon. Bethany asked if she could have a copy, as well as Mom, so I thought I'd just put it on the blog. It was a short dedication, but it felt really good to us. It is so nice to have his presence there, and to know that many loved ones will be able to visit the spot often. These are pictures of the memorial. I made the stone and my buddy Brad made the beautiful box to put Abe's things in. Thanks Lane for the beautiful wood.

Abram's Memorial Dedication June 26, 2008

Abram,
We stand here today in absence of your body, but with your spirit in our hearts. We feel you in the breeze. We feel you in the waves. We feel you in the sand beneath our feet. We feel you everywhere and in everything. We dedicate this spot to your memory, so that it may be a beacon for your spirit and energy. We dedicate this spot as hallowed ground so that it may be forever in your name. For your name is forever in us. We love you and we miss you so much.