I feel like I can't go anywhere or do anything without thinking of Abram. I guess that's what parenthood is about- always thinking of your children first. But for me, it's hard to be constantly thinking about what you don't have. I can't go to the store without wanting to go down the baby aisle. I can't go to the book store without thinking what book I should be buying on "Baby's First's". I can't take a bath anymore because it's just not the same without Abe in there with me. Even work is hardly a distraction cause he was the "office baby." It just feels so wrong to do anything without him. If I'm not re-living memories of him in my mind, then I'm imagining what that moment or experience would be like if he were here. It's just so consuming sometimes. I guess I am just struggling with that inner battle of wanting to remember every part of Abram but at the same time pushing those thoughts out of my head because they bring so much pain. Unfortunately, I am unable to escape the pain for now and am looking forward to the day when remembering him doesn't hurt so much and my inner struggle ends.
2 comments:
I remember I could not hold other people's babies. They would ask me, and I would always decline. It was hard for me to go places and watch people with their families intact. I would become very resentful, and wonder why I was without my son. The hurt and constant yearning gets better. I know I have told you before, but it never goes away, rather you learn to live with it.That statement sounds hopeless, but you will find hope. There will be a day, when you can talk about him proudly and without tears. I promise!
Abram crosses my mind almost daily. His picture is on my fridge and I see his beautiful face everyday. I'm not his real aunt, i'm just a friend and his absence breaks my heart every time i think about him. and at the same time, i smile because i got the chance to love a beautiful boy named Abram. i can't even imagine what you and josh are going through, is what i'm trying to say. i love abram and i always will. he's never far from my thoughts and neither are you and josh.
love, maggy
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