Limerick #2

This season of joy for the rest
Is ripping my heart out at best.
I need my son
for my Christmas fun
So give me some room to detest.

Happy Birthday Bubs

Got Tuna?

We canned tuna with Mom today. It was a first time for all of us canning tuna. It was a little smelly at times, but we had a good time! Can't wait to eat Oregon tuna for the next year.

Mom had to fight a man for this fish! We're so proud.

Canning into the night

Mom had so much anxiety about the PRESSURE cooker exploding, that she jumped at the camera flash! It was pretty funny...

Josh trying to convince her that it's okay to take the lid off. Does she look convinced?

Can't take the lid off in the house unless you want to smell tuna for two months!

Victory!

Check out this GIANT mussel!

Myrtle Trees growing into eachother

We Have Arrived!

Nice Diggs Huh?!?

Feeling good...

tired...still

I am tired.
I am tired of being sick.
I am tired of this ache.
I am tired of being alone.
I am tired of apologizing.
I am tired of feeling guilty.
I am tired of worrying.
I am tired of being patient.
I am tired of rationalizing.
I am tired of denial.
I am tired of being angry.
I am tired of being analyzed.
I am tired of making excuses.
I am tired of prayer.
I am tired of living on nothing but faded hope.

promise

I would become a promise tree
if you would fly back to me,
and perch upon my longing branches.
I would give you wind and sky
just to be there, you and I,
under everything the sun romances.

I would climb the highest hill
if you would take the earthly thrill,
and be there as the summit that I rest on.
I would relent your cosmic space,
if you would pull my foolish face
directional to your eternal dawn.

I would become a riverbed
if you would rage and flood my head,
and fill my aching shores with waters wide.
We could nourish forest fare,
tumbling through mountain air
on our way toward the ocean's tide.

I would cross the desert land,
if you would be the brazen sand-
the impetus beneath my hurried feet.
I would run through starry night,
if you would guide my weary flight
to the cradle where you and I can meet.

Nin's Angel

This sweet boy is one that is never far from our minds. He is with our son. We never got to know him, but he holds a special place in our hearts and we love him very much. Just as we love you, Nin.

INTENSITY

It keeps coming to my mind with such intensity...you knew you would be here. I did. I knew. I saw myself right here, as I am...a grieving mother. I played it over and over in my mind so many times. The exact scenarios.... How would I react when I heard the news? How would I sleep again without him next to me? How would I...? When my parent's walked in that day, and told me he was gone... it was like deja vu. The time had finally come.

I think while he was here, I just chalked it off to being a mother. It's every mother's worst fear...losing their child. Looking back, I knew then it was more than just a first time mother's worry, I just wasn't willing to admit it. Despite the fact that it was in my mind more than daily, I didn't speak of it to anyone, except Abe.

I begged him not to leave me one morning. I will never forget it.
I woke with the feeling that I now have every morning. I fail miserably at putting it into words but it's that feeling of weight...sorrow that debilitates you. I cried as I nursed him. He nursed longer than usual and I soaked up every moment. I watched him intently and he watched me back. I wasn't in my usual rush to get going and get out the door. We spent extra time playing in bed. I stood him up on my lap to admire his chubby, adorable legs. We stared at each other for the longest time. Without a thought, I started into my plea...my plea to him to stay with me. I truly did beg him not to leave. As I cried, he just stared back at me with those deep, intense eyes. No smile, no whimper..he just stared and then nuzzled into my neck like he was trying to eat me.

As I look back at what I imagined then, I have exceeded my expectations in some ways and am deeply disappointed in others. I have survived. I never imagined that I would survive losing my boy, but I have...I am breathing. I have not yet learned to live without him and be able to recognize joy and hope at the same time. I can't recognize it yet, let alone experience it. It makes sense that it's possible, but it does feel impossible to me right now. I know it's where I need to be, but can't seem to get there. I admittedly am having a very hard time owning my pain.

I am feeling the pressure of others needing me to get there. I'm so unbelievably pissed off that I was right. I'm scared that my present worries are more potential devastations. I'm trying fiercely to reject the feeling that my life with Abram really was my only chance at fulfillment and I just couldn't hold onto it. I'm frustrated that I feel so inadequate at my attempts to reconcile my life. I'm just sick and tired of it all.

This Is Joshua

I am a man wrought by anger.
I am archaic in my thoughts.
I mean the best to everyone but myself.

I like to keep it simple
through my complicated ways.
I love a certain woman more than love.

I don't rely on envy.
I detest the fashion of hate.
I shudder when I look at global strife.

I am a man of reason and logic.
I am confused and distraught.
I do everything I should not do and more.

I have friends of deep compassion.
I have family of steel.
I have an angel bird that's rarely seen.

I am not always honest.
I am flawless in my dreams.
I can sing a song to rock an empty home.

I am a man full of wishes.
I own a well of endless pain.
I cannot revel in other people's joy.

Alien Nation

It's a sad realization...
Those that met him once or twice now have probably forgotten.
if only they ever knew...
Best friends, unaware of the bliss that possessed me.
Family, unfamiliar to my own.
Strangers clutching to generic, worn out scribe.

This annual parade of alienation is already spent.
Raw.
Exposed.
Drying in the sun.

If only they knew my innermost...
If only it would surface...
I would collect the pride that is due.
I would resume in dignity.
If only...

I am beginning to feel a tight strain.
Embodied tension in the Get-Over-Its'.
But getting over inevitably leads to descent.
I would rather ascend.
I would prefer to stay on the outside forever, the sole member of a third party.

There I can be with the photographs.
There I can be with the pit in my heart, which is the stone of the fruit.
The one thing left in me that no outsider can see.
That invisible thing that envelops my world...
If only...

Our Daddy

How do I wish my baby's daddy a Happy Father's Day? I really have no words other than- I feel like the luckiest woman on earth to have him on my team, right by my side, with me. Thank you Josh for being the best husband and father that I could have ever dreamed of. You make Abram and I so proud. He is missing you too babe. I know he is.

I love you. Happy Father's Day.

check-in

I thought I’d better drop a line here and check-in...

Angel Day was hard. Mother’s Day was far worse. It’s hard to believe it’s been a year since Abe left us. It still sucks as much as it did then. Overall, I think the day was easier than I anticipated it being. We received a lot of love and support thru cards, texts, calls, gifts. It meant so much that so many honored our boy and we were glad that so many visited his sacred spot for us on that day. Thank you to you all! I have to confess that it doesn’t feel great to have your son recognized most on the day he died. It’s nobody’s fault that it happens that way, it just does. It is what it is, just like the rest of life….satisfying yet disappointing. We spent that time in Bear Lake, where it was serene and quiet (SO quiet, it was awesome!). I know that the day would have been harder had we been home, so I think we will make that tradition and get the hell out of dodge on that dreaded anniversary. I’d like to tack Mother’s Day onto that and skip the whole thing but I don’t think my beloved mothers would appreciate that. I just keep hoping that someday Mother's day will be a joyous one for me too and I can celebrate it the way it should be. I know that I am still a mother, but I am here to tell you that it’s just not the same. People don’t quite know how to treat a childless mother on Mother’s Day. It’s awkward and just not fun. Father’s Day now coming….ughh, another doozy. My baby’s daddy is quietly dreading it…I know.
Anyways, we came home from Bear Lake to BLOOMS…. Blooming flowers sent by friends, flowers at Abe’s spot, one of our trees we planted in Abe’s honor bloomed while we were gone. It was nice to come home to such love. Our yard has erupted in color and life. We joke about how much time we spend just staring at the yard and literally watching things grow. We love it! It has been nice to have something to tend and nurture, so Thanks again to our family and friends for making our yard beautiful for us.
I have had a few of my dear friends tell me that they can notice a big difference in me. That is good to hear but part of me hates hearing it too. It’s just part of my crazy and irrational thinking but there is something about my bitterness that I want to hold onto. It’s like if I let it go, then I’m letting Abe go or somehow he feels further away. It’s hard to explain but I can’t let it go completely. I do love my own hell at times. I can say though that I am feeling better. I attribute it to my counseling or specifically, my counselor. Valarie has saved me. She has taught me to listen to my body and to give into it, follow it. It takes so much practice and I still am failing at it in most attempts, but I can see how it has helped me deal with my anxiety, panic and anger. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a far cry from healing…I don’t know what that even means but I do think that it’s getting easier to breathe.
I was reading a blog post from one of my club-members the other day and had a bit of an epiphany. It didn’t take me long to realize that once Abram died, we became different people. Instantaneously. Done. Gone. Goodbye. What I have just recently realized is that because of that, none of my relationships are the same either. Some are not as easy or as fun as they used to be. Some are more honest and open now. Some are closed off and silent. Some are scary and irritating. I just need to come to terms with the fact that they will never be the same. I know I need to work on these changed relationships, but I will never get them back to where they once were. They will be forever different, just like us. Another hard truth to accept...

Grace

It's Mother's Day. Just one more childless day for this Mother and Father. I am having a very difficult time knowing what to do or say for that broken heart that lives here. It seems as though there is nothing available to smooth this rough edge of reality. It must be hard for Jamie to hear from people that "they know how hard this day must be for her". Because they simply do not. Nobody knows how hard this day is for Jamie except Jamie. But one thing is clear, and must not go unsaid. In her 7 months of mothering, she dwarfed the competition.

My Mom gave Jamie a very sweet card in which she mentioned Jamie's "grace". I found that word to be more than appropriate. I couldn't think of a better word to describe her flawless, fluid, loving embrace of parenthood. It was the Mother in Jamie that truly brought out the Father in me. Sometimes Jamie goes through moments of regret from being frustrated with Abram. I do, too. What parent doesn't get frustrated with their child? But in retrospect- she has nothing to regret. I remember when she found out she was pregnant, there was some fear. But that moment quickly passed and Jamie knew that she was going to do everything right. She invested so much time in educating herself on the safest, healthiest, most natural way to bring this child into this world. I watched her push for 5 excruciating hours with NO drugs, only to have her realize that he wasn't coming the way we planned. I remember how crushed she was. It was heartbreaking. Most women can only think about getting the baby out. Jamie was just sad. But that didn't stop her. She did what she had to do just so she could finally hold her son. And I remember that moment, too. Priceless...

Grace. Mom and Dad Parrish, you should have named her Grace. But then she wouldn't be Jamie. The Jamie we all love and admire. The Jamie that can care for the youngest babe and comfort the frailest of the elderly. The Jamie that's dedicated to the preservation of love, even when love is lost. The Jamie that people look at and wonder "how is she doing it?". The Jamie that brought this world our sweet Abram. The Jamie that makes me who I am.

We love you, Mommy!
All of us.

Angel Day

We honor our sweet angel today...everyday. It was one year ago that our lives were turned upside-down, backwards. Life has gone on but nothing has remained the same. We are forever changed because of him and are immensely proud that he is ours. We are choosing to honor him in solitude and in peace.

We miss you more and more everyday Bubs. Like Dad said, whoever said that time heals all wounds, obviously didn't know you.Our hearts ache with love and longing for you, now and forever. Stay Little Star...

God's given us years of happiness here,
Now we must part
And as the angels come and call for you,
the pains of grief tug at my heart

Oh my darling, My darling
My heart breaks as you take your long journey

Oh the days will be empty,
The nights so long without you my love
And when god calls for you I'm left alone
But we will meet in heaven above

Oh my darling, My darling
My heart breaks as you take your long journey

Fond memories I'll keep of happy ways
That on earth we trod
And when I come we will walk hand in hand
As one in heaven in the family of god

Oh my darling, My darling
My heart breaks as you take your long journey
(A.D. & R.L. Watson)

long over-due

We can't tell you how many times over the last year that we have tried to put our thoughts and feelings into words, to try and express our gratitude to our loved ones. We have failed at our previous attempts, but we cannot let this anniversary pass by without showing our appreciation.

Our Family

Josh and I have talked many times about moving to Oregon just cause we love it so much there. With the loss of our Abram, we quickly learned why we want...no, need to stay here. We need our family near us. We will never take you for granted again. You have been there for us in so many ways...loving Abram like your own...supporting all our parenting decisions regardless of your own beliefs...being the one's to give us the news of Abram's passing instead of a stranger...dropping EVERYTHING to come and just be there...holding us while we wailed...fulfilling all our physical needs when we forgot we had them...being here so that we didn't have to come home to an empty house...washing the last batch of dirty diapers and clothes...excreting literal blood, sweat and tears to make our yard beautiful and giving us that gift of a garden to tend...writing Abe's obituary better than we ever could...making our bedroom beautiful and fresh...financial support...writing songs about our boy...capturing his perfection through photos...writing his beloved name on mountain-tops...giving us much needed space...making a donation in Abram's name...making jewelry for all of us to wear in his memory...planting your own "Abe Garden"...cleaning our windows so that the sun could shine in...being our fix-it man and making many trips to Home Depot...tending Abe's grave when we can't...loving us unconditionally...always. It's impossible for us to even know all that you do for us, but please, please, please know how much we appreciate and love you all. It's because of you that we go on living...in love.




Our Friends

We have the best friends. Some friends we've had since childhood, some have been cemented through Abram's life and death...all are equally treasured by us. Thank you for being there as much or as little as we need you to...letting us rant unrelentingly...watching our dogs so we can escape out of town...visiting Abe's grave when we can't...buying us gas cards for a road trip...not judging our bitterness...knowing when we are having a hard day...distracting us from our pain...introducing us to our sweet counselor...building Abe's memory box...giving a star Abram's beloved name...loving us unconditionally. We love you all so much and couldn't have survived this last year without you.


Our Tonya

You hold a special place in our hearts and always will. You have given us a gift that we will be forever grateful for. Thank you too, for loving our boy like your own...allowing us to leave Abram with you and not worry...making Abe's bracelet for our entire family...answering any questions we have had about that day...being such a strong and courageous woman. We hope you know that you are forever a part of our family. We wish you peace and contentment. We all love you so much, and that includes our little Abe.

Our Beloved Abram

Thank you sweet boy for giving us enough love in just seven months, to last us a lifetime...for letting us know that you are okay...for teaching us lessons that some people never get to learn... for choosing us and showing us to love so deeply...for making us so unbelievably proud.

We are so blessed.

Set in Stone

Stone proportions.
Fertile ground.
Natural geometric boundaries.
if I could etch three words on my heart,
they would be I Love You...

Picture frames.
The Dream Rotunda.
A tattoo.
Small parts, comparative to the whole...

The Great Longing.
Eternal wounds.
No immunity.
The severed member that renders us lame...


... I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place that you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend... (from The Shawshank Redemption)

still waiting

Josh has convinced me not to post any pics of our tattoos yet. So, no pics for maybe 2 months...after healing, finishing touch-up's, and more healing. However, I will show you what pictures we used. (Thanks Beth for the great shots, as always.) So, in the meantime, if you're dying to see them...you will just have to come see us in the flesh!

finally!

After literal hours of decoding, what-looks-to-me-as-jibberish work, the layout turned awesome! Thanks Nin and Joe! You guys are the best! Thanks for putting so much time into making it work for us. We love it!

(No tatt pics yet...maybe tonight)

re: changes

So supposedly you can put your own image in the polaroid but i can't figure it out... i'll give up soon, i need my picture back. i'll post it here for now.

came across this today...

a dusty jar of baby food.

it sums up the way i have been feeling lately.

It's done!

We finally did it! We got our tattoos last night. Pictures to come in a week, when they have healed up a bit. We are so glad to have our boy's sweet face permanently marked on us. I can't quite describe how it feels, but we are quite pleased!

Easter, Past and Present

This is our last holiday of looking back at last year and having a memory of it with our boy.

11 months

Taken one year ago today...he fell asleep while nursing. I miss that more than anything.
Can't seem to catch my breath today cause of the ache...

i ♥ faces

i ♥ faces. i ♥ this face.

New Song (rough draft)

When I sail the mighty dream ship,
I have one harbor in sight.
Little often do I find you there.
Many days, many nights.

I've grown patient with these waters.
I let the current take my drift.
But ungrateful seas have tossed me about,
and turned this gap into a rift.

So I ignore the gale before me,
and I push the ship with stead.
Rendering the storm a tired stalemate.
Welcoming the shore ahead.

Strolling long the lonesome beach line,
searching crevices and caves.
I make a fool when I hear your laugh
in the sound of crashing waves.

Making sense of joy

Up and down the fraying rope
the dreamer gapes at frosts of hope.
Like frozen liquid memory,
he cannot coax his eyes to see.

Pulling blind, he zeros in...
by feel, by thought, by scented wind.
But as the aim is just before,
he cannot grasp it anymore.

Hands let go, he falls apart,
(though happiness is in his heart).
And the icy climb to understanding
leaves him at Confusion Landing.

6 years

It's been six years since Josh and I snuck away and got married at one of our most favorite spots on this earth. I couldn't be happier to have made that choice. I love you so much it hurts babe.

Here's a couple of shots from Bear Lake, on our anniversary. It was absolutely beautiful and serene. Our other favorite spot....

Sucking The Scent Off

Yep... That's what I did.

3 1/2 Min. Pure Joy.

All gone...

i ♥ faces

Here is our entry for the week in the I ♥ faces contest. I love the drool in the original...love those cheeks...love that hair...love that boy.

"Things are falling down on me....heavy things I could not see. When I finally came around, something small would pin me down. When I tried, to step aside....I moved to where they'd hoped I'd be."

I Heart Faces

I have wanted to enter Abram's adorable face in the I ♥ Faces contest multiple times before (thanks for linky Kim!), but have just never seemed to get it done in time. So here goes.... couldn't you just eat that face right up? I so miss the way he would "mmmm" while eating. It was too cute...he's too cute!

Jamie, My Jamie

Today, I am distraught. It has been ten months to the day that we lost our Abram. I see the one year coming up and it chills me. I have spent the past ten months trying to get a grip on this whole thing... it isn't easy. Of course, I know nobody expects it to be. I have put a lot of energy into handling things in a positive way, i.e. reading, writing, soul searching. I have explored philosophy, therapy, music, gardening, and dare I say, religion. I have kept an open mind and an open heart throughout all of this anguish. I have tried to see it all from the vantage point of truth. That it all had to mean something... even if I never figured it out. That somehow, someway, I would be able to walk away from this with something to keep. Something to show for my endurance and will, my capacity to survive. But today I am ashamed to admit I have been searching blindly. I have been looking just slightly off center. I have forgotten what has brought me here to begin with... my beautiful wife, Jamie.

Abram was the best of Jamie and the best of me, but he is gone. Jamie however, is not. Which means the best of her (the part I love the best in him) is still with me. Silly rabbit!

I don't really know how to articulate the depth of my love for this woman, because trust me, I've tried. I do know this... I have never known more tenderness than I know in her. Witnessing her transition into motherhood was astonishing, to say the least. So fluid, so natural. It was as if it were her calling- "World's Perfect Mother"... and she is...

I love you, Jamie! Not only do you put up with me, but you love me in unison. Thank you for the gift of perfect love... and it is...

Life is long

If you don't have the new David Byrne/Brian Eno album yet, Go get it! (That is if you like David Byrne/Brian Eno)

This song makes me think about Abe.

"Life Is Long"

Everybody says that the living is easy
I can barely see ‘cause my head's in the way
Tigers walk behind me, they are to remind me that
I'm lost, but I'm not afraid

Soul to soul- A kiss and a sigh
Sawed in half- by the passage of time
Halfway home- from a window you see
Chains and bars- but I am still free

People on the outside- I remember sweet times
This old rose is always in bloom
Everyone is happy to be a baby daddy
Stone love- with nothing to lose

Life is long if you give it way
So stay, don't go ‘cause I'm fading away
Soul to soul- between you and me
Chain me down- but I am still free

Now I can say those three little words
And every day I'm dreaming a world
Soul to soul- a kiss and a sigh
Holding back- the waters outside.

Life is long if you give it way
So stay, don't go ‘cause I'm fading away
Soul to soul- between you and me
Chain me down- but I am still free

Abe's Whales

Tomorrow is the day that Abe's whales are racing in the Wild & Wonderful Whale Regatta in Maui! (Thanks again Mom!) We are proud to have Abram's name represented in this meaningful event...it's a great cause.

Go Little Whales!