December 05, 2008
heavy
my anger and jealousy are raging today...out of control. it doesn't feel good. i don't know how much longer i can't stand it.. for real. my "happy face" is fading...i don't care. top it off with guilt for having these feelings. it makes for a real heavy burden to carry around with me every second of every day. it absolutely sucks to desperately want something you can't have. but i can't help it...i want my baby. he wants me...i know he does. he just knows more than me so he doesn't hurt like i do. thank god for that.
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3 comments:
rage away my sweet dear friends.
Oh, my heart goes out to you. I can tell you I had those same feelings. I still do. When I would see people with their children, particularly boys, I would always find myself saying, "Why is that fair!" I still find myself saying that. I have four daughters, but I will never get to raise a son. I know he wants to be with you! I would not feel guilty about having those feelings. I had them, and I would avoid situations at all cost. My sister had a daughter one month before Linden, and on her birthdays, they get to have cake, presents, and parties. On Linden's birthday, people avoid me, and call me to make sure I am okay. I get to go to the cold cemetary and give him a pumpkin, when all I really want to do is buy him a train or whatever else boys are into. I still have a hard time with boys, and mostly for Linden. It is unfair, it is hard, and you do feel anger, because you want something so bad. Jamie, just hang in there. I worry about you, and wish that I could make it go away, but we both know I cannot do that, because if I could, my life would be different as well. Just let yourself feel those emotions, and don't feel sorry. If someone does not understand that, then it is their problem, because I do understand, and I know exactly what you are talking about. I know I am rambling and probably not even coming close to helping, but just know I care and it is not empty. I feel your pain, and I will be here for you, either through a blog, or in person. I will be with you!
Love,
oh, Jamie. You don't have to put on a happy face when you are not happy. Be angry, feel rage, cry, scream, hit something...but do not take on the burnden of guilt for feeling this way. You are entitled. You lost your son. You don't have to be strong. All you have to do right now is survive. Do what you need to do and those who truly care will understand. I'm so sorry for your pain.
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