I have received a few calls and texts over the last couple days from people that said they just needed to let me know that they were thinking of me. It helps so much to hear that, cause honestly right now...I feel so lonely. I have Josh, who is my life and love...he is what gets me up in the morning. As grateful as I am for him, and for family and friends, I feel this overwhelming emptiness. I still feel like I am holding out for something to change, for something to happen to make this ache go away. It's the strangest feeling...being so conflicted...knowing that nothing can change or take away this pain but feeling like there's something...?
I know that everyone around us is so wanting us to have another baby. It's the question that everyone wants to ask, but doesn't. They don't need to...we know what they're thinking. We are thinking it too. We can't imagine not fulfilling that tangible role as parent again. We are scared of trying...getting our hopes up and not having it happen. It took over 5 years to get Abram here. I know that everyone says that having a new child is not to replace Abram, but no matter what they say, it's hard not to feel like that is what we would be doing. We wouldn't be thinking of having another child if Abram were here...that I am sure of. I am also sure that if we do have another baby, it's never going to be as easy or as fun as it was with Abe. It's just so scary...
My dreams of Abram are regular now. It has taken awhile for them to really kick in, but they definitely have now. Dreams too, bring such a conflict within me. It so hard to wake from them, realizing our reality once again. It puts me in such a funk. It definitely affects my sleep. But I can't say that I have bad dreams...they are beautiful, treasured ones. I love that my remind me of the way his downy, soft hair felt on my skin...how heavy he was...how it felt nursing him. We all know how real our dreams feel as we dreaming them, and those feelings you have at the front of your mind upon waking...so one can imagine how difficult it is to just simply shake it off..and go on. Unfortunately, that's what we have to do to survive. That's all we get.
Days pass by...life goes on. It's been half a year since our boy was with us, which is so strange in itself. I am still so angry but I don't know at what or who. I still feel so cheated. I resent people I shouldn't. I still feel such despair and pain. I feel un-lucky, despite having so many things to be grateful for. I feel so detached from everything around me. I feel lost on a path that is sure and steady...being surrounded by everything I need for help and guidance, but not quite being able to reach it.
Just like my dearest friend said, I wish that he were here, or I were there.
Love you all.
9 comments:
who's to say that our waking hours are our reality. I guess my only advise to you would be to sleep as much as you can during this time when your dreams are so sweet. As for feeling detached, that is probably a good thing. You are one of those rare people who lives life with such care and compassion for others that maybe becoming detached is the only way that you can connect with yourself. I am so sorry for your pain, but I am not worried because I know that as you spend this time with yourself you will come to understand the strength, compassion and beauty that everyone else knows you possess. You are so loved.
It is so hard. I think it is fantastic that you have dreams of him still. I had dreams of Emma, but always that I couldn't find her, or she would come back and I couldn't nurse her.
Cherish those dreams my friend.
It sucks, it hurts, it's not fair, it never will be.
Much love to your family. I pray Abe and Emma are playing together today.
I can tell you that is a struggle. You have the emptiness, and I was one that got pregnant to try and fill that emptiness, but then when I did, it made me feel like I was betraying Linden. That was the first big move we did without him. It was hard. I cried and talked to him a lot. But then I got peace. I knew he wanted me to be happy, and another child was just that, happiness. I am not writing this to tell you you need to get pregnant, rather to tell you that I know what you are going through. I wanted the other children to fill the void that Linden left, but they did not, rather they filled other voids, which helped with the void I felt with Linden.
I know how it feels to have everyone around you, but still feeling empty.I had Joe and that helped, but I wanted someone who knew what I was going through, and I didn't have that.
I guess what I am trying to say is this- take my word for it that Abe wants you to be happy. He really does. Don't struggle like I did about betraying him. I know they want us to be happy. We don't have to feel guilty. I really struggled with that, that is why I am telling you. I will write more later, but know you can call me whenever. Really, you can!
K- I have more. I have a friend that lost her son, and she still will not make any steps without him. She wants to move, but can't because he lived in that house. She needs a new car, but will not because her son was in that car. She won't make any changes, even though she wants to. She feels like if she makes any changes, she betrays her son. She wanted more children, but couldn't after her son died, because she felt she would betray. I have bought a new car, and moved to another house, and they were all hard to do. It was hard to say goodbye to those things you possessed with your son, but I strongly believe they are with us regardless. They don't care about our house or our cars, because those things don't matter. They are in our hearts and our minds. As far as a child is concerned, I think that has been the most healing thing of all. Nora gave me something to smile about, when I didn't have much before. They love to hear about their brother, and it reaffirms that they are an extension of Linden, just like I am. I worry about cancer occuring with my other kids. It is my greatest fear, but I work through it and try and stay sain. With all of this rambling, I want you to take away this- do what you feel is right, and do not worry about betraying Abram. Abram wants his parents to be happy, no matter what. (This is not a lecture to get pregnant, rather telling you I know how you feel, and I want to help you. Oh, I hope this helps and not the opposite)
I just want you to know how much I love you! I love you guys deep down in my soul. It hurts me when you are hurting. I don't have an answer for you, I so wish I did. But I love what Jenn said about turning to Abe for guidance. It's good advice. xoxo
You amaze me the strength that you possess. I think you are such an amazing mom, wife and friend. I love both you and josh. I love Abe and miss him terribly. I wisht that it was at all possible to make the hurt not hurt as much. Just know that as one of those friends that consistently call and check on you, that I do it only because I care so much. Abe is constantly with you and only wants his mom and dad to be happy. Remember that. I love you J
Always remember that you're never alone. I'm a short phone call away and so are so many other people. I'm amazed, and I love the bond of strength that you and Josh have, its so important and you're both embracing each other. what a rough time. and rough times ahead....you're bound to feel an sense of emptiness. You've both lost a part of you, your sweet boy. I still have feelings of "somethings going to change". like he's going to come back, or something and I can't imagine how that feels for you. unbearable i'm sure. As for having another baby...I feel that it would NOT mean you're replacing Abe in any way. And sure you wouldn't be having another baby if Abe were with us today but unfortunately, he isn't. Take your time in feeling when you think you're ready for another...i would be scared too. I'm glad you're dreaming about him. But sometimes I can't help but wonder if its him in a sense coming to see you. I've always loved that idea, and it brings a little peace to the mind...now as for feeling cheated, Jamie, we were all cheated. You have every right for feeling that way. I love you guys, and am always here for you. promise. xoxo maggs
i couldn't help but think of this song when i read your post...it is a song that reminds me so much of the time about 6 months after pops left us. the last paragraph especially made me think of you...
i love you. oxot
"If I could open my arms
And span the length of the isle of Manhattan,
I'd bring it to where you are
Making a lake of the East River and Hudson
If I could open my mouth
Wide enough for a marching band to march out
They would make your name sing
And bend through alleys and bounce off all the buildings.
I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown"
you have no idea how often you and abe are in my thoughts. and in my prayers. in my guilt. and in my tears...
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