Check out this GIANT mussel!

Myrtle Trees growing into eachother

We Have Arrived!

Nice Diggs Huh?!?

Feeling good...

tired...still

I am tired.
I am tired of being sick.
I am tired of this ache.
I am tired of being alone.
I am tired of apologizing.
I am tired of feeling guilty.
I am tired of worrying.
I am tired of being patient.
I am tired of rationalizing.
I am tired of denial.
I am tired of being angry.
I am tired of being analyzed.
I am tired of making excuses.
I am tired of prayer.
I am tired of living on nothing but faded hope.

promise

I would become a promise tree
if you would fly back to me,
and perch upon my longing branches.
I would give you wind and sky
just to be there, you and I,
under everything the sun romances.

I would climb the highest hill
if you would take the earthly thrill,
and be there as the summit that I rest on.
I would relent your cosmic space,
if you would pull my foolish face
directional to your eternal dawn.

I would become a riverbed
if you would rage and flood my head,
and fill my aching shores with waters wide.
We could nourish forest fare,
tumbling through mountain air
on our way toward the ocean's tide.

I would cross the desert land,
if you would be the brazen sand-
the impetus beneath my hurried feet.
I would run through starry night,
if you would guide my weary flight
to the cradle where you and I can meet.

Nin's Angel

This sweet boy is one that is never far from our minds. He is with our son. We never got to know him, but he holds a special place in our hearts and we love him very much. Just as we love you, Nin.

INTENSITY

It keeps coming to my mind with such intensity...you knew you would be here. I did. I knew. I saw myself right here, as I am...a grieving mother. I played it over and over in my mind so many times. The exact scenarios.... How would I react when I heard the news? How would I sleep again without him next to me? How would I...? When my parent's walked in that day, and told me he was gone... it was like deja vu. The time had finally come.

I think while he was here, I just chalked it off to being a mother. It's every mother's worst fear...losing their child. Looking back, I knew then it was more than just a first time mother's worry, I just wasn't willing to admit it. Despite the fact that it was in my mind more than daily, I didn't speak of it to anyone, except Abe.

I begged him not to leave me one morning. I will never forget it.
I woke with the feeling that I now have every morning. I fail miserably at putting it into words but it's that feeling of weight...sorrow that debilitates you. I cried as I nursed him. He nursed longer than usual and I soaked up every moment. I watched him intently and he watched me back. I wasn't in my usual rush to get going and get out the door. We spent extra time playing in bed. I stood him up on my lap to admire his chubby, adorable legs. We stared at each other for the longest time. Without a thought, I started into my plea...my plea to him to stay with me. I truly did beg him not to leave. As I cried, he just stared back at me with those deep, intense eyes. No smile, no whimper..he just stared and then nuzzled into my neck like he was trying to eat me.

As I look back at what I imagined then, I have exceeded my expectations in some ways and am deeply disappointed in others. I have survived. I never imagined that I would survive losing my boy, but I have...I am breathing. I have not yet learned to live without him and be able to recognize joy and hope at the same time. I can't recognize it yet, let alone experience it. It makes sense that it's possible, but it does feel impossible to me right now. I know it's where I need to be, but can't seem to get there. I admittedly am having a very hard time owning my pain.

I am feeling the pressure of others needing me to get there. I'm so unbelievably pissed off that I was right. I'm scared that my present worries are more potential devastations. I'm trying fiercely to reject the feeling that my life with Abram really was my only chance at fulfillment and I just couldn't hold onto it. I'm frustrated that I feel so inadequate at my attempts to reconcile my life. I'm just sick and tired of it all.

This Is Joshua

I am a man wrought by anger.
I am archaic in my thoughts.
I mean the best to everyone but myself.

I like to keep it simple
through my complicated ways.
I love a certain woman more than love.

I don't rely on envy.
I detest the fashion of hate.
I shudder when I look at global strife.

I am a man of reason and logic.
I am confused and distraught.
I do everything I should not do and more.

I have friends of deep compassion.
I have family of steel.
I have an angel bird that's rarely seen.

I am not always honest.
I am flawless in my dreams.
I can sing a song to rock an empty home.

I am a man full of wishes.
I own a well of endless pain.
I cannot revel in other people's joy.