still ragin'

As we left the cemetery on Christmas, I started to say to Josh that I wished we had something or someone, to direct our anger at. WAIT! I quickly reverted....No, I don't. I can't imagine living with those feelings of blaming someone else. We carry enough bitterness as it is. But, it is so frustrating when you have so much anger and rage inside of you...itching to get out and be relieved of it's tension...but where can it go? It has nowhere to go. Instead, it just sits in my already too heavy heart...compounding my helplessness.

So, I tend to get very angry over seemingly trivial things, simply because I can. I seem to gain some sort of satisfaction from stewing over these distractions. I guess because I feel I am justified. So, when you see me getting upset to tears over the fact that a mother in a restaurant is pouring Diet Coke into her baby's bottle and giving it to her... or a father scolding his four year old daughter for being scared of Santa... just know it's my way of expressing my rage. My smothering, endless, exhausting rage over the fact that our ONE AND ONLY child is gone. Never to return to this existence.

It's been eight months to the day since Abram left us and I still can't even begin to express how deep it goes and how heavy it is.