promise

I would become a promise tree
if you would fly back to me,
and perch upon my longing branches.
I would give you wind and sky
just to be there, you and I,
under everything the sun romances.

I would climb the highest hill
if you would take the earthly thrill,
and be there as the summit that I rest on.
I would relent your cosmic space,
if you would pull my foolish face
directional to your eternal dawn.

I would become a riverbed
if you would rage and flood my head,
and fill my aching shores with waters wide.
We could nourish forest fare,
tumbling through mountain air
on our way toward the ocean's tide.

I would cross the desert land,
if you would be the brazen sand-
the impetus beneath my hurried feet.
I would run through starry night,
if you would guide my weary flight
to the cradle where you and I can meet.

Nin's Angel

This sweet boy is one that is never far from our minds. He is with our son. We never got to know him, but he holds a special place in our hearts and we love him very much. Just as we love you, Nin.

INTENSITY

It keeps coming to my mind with such intensity...you knew you would be here. I did. I knew. I saw myself right here, as I am...a grieving mother. I played it over and over in my mind so many times. The exact scenarios.... How would I react when I heard the news? How would I sleep again without him next to me? How would I...? When my parent's walked in that day, and told me he was gone... it was like deja vu. The time had finally come.

I think while he was here, I just chalked it off to being a mother. It's every mother's worst fear...losing their child. Looking back, I knew then it was more than just a first time mother's worry, I just wasn't willing to admit it. Despite the fact that it was in my mind more than daily, I didn't speak of it to anyone, except Abe.

I begged him not to leave me one morning. I will never forget it.
I woke with the feeling that I now have every morning. I fail miserably at putting it into words but it's that feeling of weight...sorrow that debilitates you. I cried as I nursed him. He nursed longer than usual and I soaked up every moment. I watched him intently and he watched me back. I wasn't in my usual rush to get going and get out the door. We spent extra time playing in bed. I stood him up on my lap to admire his chubby, adorable legs. We stared at each other for the longest time. Without a thought, I started into my plea...my plea to him to stay with me. I truly did beg him not to leave. As I cried, he just stared back at me with those deep, intense eyes. No smile, no whimper..he just stared and then nuzzled into my neck like he was trying to eat me.

As I look back at what I imagined then, I have exceeded my expectations in some ways and am deeply disappointed in others. I have survived. I never imagined that I would survive losing my boy, but I have...I am breathing. I have not yet learned to live without him and be able to recognize joy and hope at the same time. I can't recognize it yet, let alone experience it. It makes sense that it's possible, but it does feel impossible to me right now. I know it's where I need to be, but can't seem to get there. I admittedly am having a very hard time owning my pain.

I am feeling the pressure of others needing me to get there. I'm so unbelievably pissed off that I was right. I'm scared that my present worries are more potential devastations. I'm trying fiercely to reject the feeling that my life with Abram really was my only chance at fulfillment and I just couldn't hold onto it. I'm frustrated that I feel so inadequate at my attempts to reconcile my life. I'm just sick and tired of it all.

This Is Joshua

I am a man wrought by anger.
I am archaic in my thoughts.
I mean the best to everyone but myself.

I like to keep it simple
through my complicated ways.
I love a certain woman more than love.

I don't rely on envy.
I detest the fashion of hate.
I shudder when I look at global strife.

I am a man of reason and logic.
I am confused and distraught.
I do everything I should not do and more.

I have friends of deep compassion.
I have family of steel.
I have an angel bird that's rarely seen.

I am not always honest.
I am flawless in my dreams.
I can sing a song to rock an empty home.

I am a man full of wishes.
I own a well of endless pain.
I cannot revel in other people's joy.

Alien Nation

It's a sad realization...
Those that met him once or twice now have probably forgotten.
if only they ever knew...
Best friends, unaware of the bliss that possessed me.
Family, unfamiliar to my own.
Strangers clutching to generic, worn out scribe.

This annual parade of alienation is already spent.
Raw.
Exposed.
Drying in the sun.

If only they knew my innermost...
If only it would surface...
I would collect the pride that is due.
I would resume in dignity.
If only...

I am beginning to feel a tight strain.
Embodied tension in the Get-Over-Its'.
But getting over inevitably leads to descent.
I would rather ascend.
I would prefer to stay on the outside forever, the sole member of a third party.

There I can be with the photographs.
There I can be with the pit in my heart, which is the stone of the fruit.
The one thing left in me that no outsider can see.
That invisible thing that envelops my world...
If only...

Our Daddy

How do I wish my baby's daddy a Happy Father's Day? I really have no words other than- I feel like the luckiest woman on earth to have him on my team, right by my side, with me. Thank you Josh for being the best husband and father that I could have ever dreamed of. You make Abram and I so proud. He is missing you too babe. I know he is.

I love you. Happy Father's Day.

check-in

I thought I’d better drop a line here and check-in...

Angel Day was hard. Mother’s Day was far worse. It’s hard to believe it’s been a year since Abe left us. It still sucks as much as it did then. Overall, I think the day was easier than I anticipated it being. We received a lot of love and support thru cards, texts, calls, gifts. It meant so much that so many honored our boy and we were glad that so many visited his sacred spot for us on that day. Thank you to you all! I have to confess that it doesn’t feel great to have your son recognized most on the day he died. It’s nobody’s fault that it happens that way, it just does. It is what it is, just like the rest of life….satisfying yet disappointing. We spent that time in Bear Lake, where it was serene and quiet (SO quiet, it was awesome!). I know that the day would have been harder had we been home, so I think we will make that tradition and get the hell out of dodge on that dreaded anniversary. I’d like to tack Mother’s Day onto that and skip the whole thing but I don’t think my beloved mothers would appreciate that. I just keep hoping that someday Mother's day will be a joyous one for me too and I can celebrate it the way it should be. I know that I am still a mother, but I am here to tell you that it’s just not the same. People don’t quite know how to treat a childless mother on Mother’s Day. It’s awkward and just not fun. Father’s Day now coming….ughh, another doozy. My baby’s daddy is quietly dreading it…I know.
Anyways, we came home from Bear Lake to BLOOMS…. Blooming flowers sent by friends, flowers at Abe’s spot, one of our trees we planted in Abe’s honor bloomed while we were gone. It was nice to come home to such love. Our yard has erupted in color and life. We joke about how much time we spend just staring at the yard and literally watching things grow. We love it! It has been nice to have something to tend and nurture, so Thanks again to our family and friends for making our yard beautiful for us.
I have had a few of my dear friends tell me that they can notice a big difference in me. That is good to hear but part of me hates hearing it too. It’s just part of my crazy and irrational thinking but there is something about my bitterness that I want to hold onto. It’s like if I let it go, then I’m letting Abe go or somehow he feels further away. It’s hard to explain but I can’t let it go completely. I do love my own hell at times. I can say though that I am feeling better. I attribute it to my counseling or specifically, my counselor. Valarie has saved me. She has taught me to listen to my body and to give into it, follow it. It takes so much practice and I still am failing at it in most attempts, but I can see how it has helped me deal with my anxiety, panic and anger. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a far cry from healing…I don’t know what that even means but I do think that it’s getting easier to breathe.
I was reading a blog post from one of my club-members the other day and had a bit of an epiphany. It didn’t take me long to realize that once Abram died, we became different people. Instantaneously. Done. Gone. Goodbye. What I have just recently realized is that because of that, none of my relationships are the same either. Some are not as easy or as fun as they used to be. Some are more honest and open now. Some are closed off and silent. Some are scary and irritating. I just need to come to terms with the fact that they will never be the same. I know I need to work on these changed relationships, but I will never get them back to where they once were. They will be forever different, just like us. Another hard truth to accept...