Alien Nation

It's a sad realization...
Those that met him once or twice now have probably forgotten.
if only they ever knew...
Best friends, unaware of the bliss that possessed me.
Family, unfamiliar to my own.
Strangers clutching to generic, worn out scribe.

This annual parade of alienation is already spent.
Raw.
Exposed.
Drying in the sun.

If only they knew my innermost...
If only it would surface...
I would collect the pride that is due.
I would resume in dignity.
If only...

I am beginning to feel a tight strain.
Embodied tension in the Get-Over-Its'.
But getting over inevitably leads to descent.
I would rather ascend.
I would prefer to stay on the outside forever, the sole member of a third party.

There I can be with the photographs.
There I can be with the pit in my heart, which is the stone of the fruit.
The one thing left in me that no outsider can see.
That invisible thing that envelops my world...
If only...

Our Daddy

How do I wish my baby's daddy a Happy Father's Day? I really have no words other than- I feel like the luckiest woman on earth to have him on my team, right by my side, with me. Thank you Josh for being the best husband and father that I could have ever dreamed of. You make Abram and I so proud. He is missing you too babe. I know he is.

I love you. Happy Father's Day.

check-in

I thought I’d better drop a line here and check-in...

Angel Day was hard. Mother’s Day was far worse. It’s hard to believe it’s been a year since Abe left us. It still sucks as much as it did then. Overall, I think the day was easier than I anticipated it being. We received a lot of love and support thru cards, texts, calls, gifts. It meant so much that so many honored our boy and we were glad that so many visited his sacred spot for us on that day. Thank you to you all! I have to confess that it doesn’t feel great to have your son recognized most on the day he died. It’s nobody’s fault that it happens that way, it just does. It is what it is, just like the rest of life….satisfying yet disappointing. We spent that time in Bear Lake, where it was serene and quiet (SO quiet, it was awesome!). I know that the day would have been harder had we been home, so I think we will make that tradition and get the hell out of dodge on that dreaded anniversary. I’d like to tack Mother’s Day onto that and skip the whole thing but I don’t think my beloved mothers would appreciate that. I just keep hoping that someday Mother's day will be a joyous one for me too and I can celebrate it the way it should be. I know that I am still a mother, but I am here to tell you that it’s just not the same. People don’t quite know how to treat a childless mother on Mother’s Day. It’s awkward and just not fun. Father’s Day now coming….ughh, another doozy. My baby’s daddy is quietly dreading it…I know.
Anyways, we came home from Bear Lake to BLOOMS…. Blooming flowers sent by friends, flowers at Abe’s spot, one of our trees we planted in Abe’s honor bloomed while we were gone. It was nice to come home to such love. Our yard has erupted in color and life. We joke about how much time we spend just staring at the yard and literally watching things grow. We love it! It has been nice to have something to tend and nurture, so Thanks again to our family and friends for making our yard beautiful for us.
I have had a few of my dear friends tell me that they can notice a big difference in me. That is good to hear but part of me hates hearing it too. It’s just part of my crazy and irrational thinking but there is something about my bitterness that I want to hold onto. It’s like if I let it go, then I’m letting Abe go or somehow he feels further away. It’s hard to explain but I can’t let it go completely. I do love my own hell at times. I can say though that I am feeling better. I attribute it to my counseling or specifically, my counselor. Valarie has saved me. She has taught me to listen to my body and to give into it, follow it. It takes so much practice and I still am failing at it in most attempts, but I can see how it has helped me deal with my anxiety, panic and anger. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a far cry from healing…I don’t know what that even means but I do think that it’s getting easier to breathe.
I was reading a blog post from one of my club-members the other day and had a bit of an epiphany. It didn’t take me long to realize that once Abram died, we became different people. Instantaneously. Done. Gone. Goodbye. What I have just recently realized is that because of that, none of my relationships are the same either. Some are not as easy or as fun as they used to be. Some are more honest and open now. Some are closed off and silent. Some are scary and irritating. I just need to come to terms with the fact that they will never be the same. I know I need to work on these changed relationships, but I will never get them back to where they once were. They will be forever different, just like us. Another hard truth to accept...

Grace

It's Mother's Day. Just one more childless day for this Mother and Father. I am having a very difficult time knowing what to do or say for that broken heart that lives here. It seems as though there is nothing available to smooth this rough edge of reality. It must be hard for Jamie to hear from people that "they know how hard this day must be for her". Because they simply do not. Nobody knows how hard this day is for Jamie except Jamie. But one thing is clear, and must not go unsaid. In her 7 months of mothering, she dwarfed the competition.

My Mom gave Jamie a very sweet card in which she mentioned Jamie's "grace". I found that word to be more than appropriate. I couldn't think of a better word to describe her flawless, fluid, loving embrace of parenthood. It was the Mother in Jamie that truly brought out the Father in me. Sometimes Jamie goes through moments of regret from being frustrated with Abram. I do, too. What parent doesn't get frustrated with their child? But in retrospect- she has nothing to regret. I remember when she found out she was pregnant, there was some fear. But that moment quickly passed and Jamie knew that she was going to do everything right. She invested so much time in educating herself on the safest, healthiest, most natural way to bring this child into this world. I watched her push for 5 excruciating hours with NO drugs, only to have her realize that he wasn't coming the way we planned. I remember how crushed she was. It was heartbreaking. Most women can only think about getting the baby out. Jamie was just sad. But that didn't stop her. She did what she had to do just so she could finally hold her son. And I remember that moment, too. Priceless...

Grace. Mom and Dad Parrish, you should have named her Grace. But then she wouldn't be Jamie. The Jamie we all love and admire. The Jamie that can care for the youngest babe and comfort the frailest of the elderly. The Jamie that's dedicated to the preservation of love, even when love is lost. The Jamie that people look at and wonder "how is she doing it?". The Jamie that brought this world our sweet Abram. The Jamie that makes me who I am.

We love you, Mommy!
All of us.

Angel Day

We honor our sweet angel today...everyday. It was one year ago that our lives were turned upside-down, backwards. Life has gone on but nothing has remained the same. We are forever changed because of him and are immensely proud that he is ours. We are choosing to honor him in solitude and in peace.

We miss you more and more everyday Bubs. Like Dad said, whoever said that time heals all wounds, obviously didn't know you.Our hearts ache with love and longing for you, now and forever. Stay Little Star...

God's given us years of happiness here,
Now we must part
And as the angels come and call for you,
the pains of grief tug at my heart

Oh my darling, My darling
My heart breaks as you take your long journey

Oh the days will be empty,
The nights so long without you my love
And when god calls for you I'm left alone
But we will meet in heaven above

Oh my darling, My darling
My heart breaks as you take your long journey

Fond memories I'll keep of happy ways
That on earth we trod
And when I come we will walk hand in hand
As one in heaven in the family of god

Oh my darling, My darling
My heart breaks as you take your long journey
(A.D. & R.L. Watson)

long over-due

We can't tell you how many times over the last year that we have tried to put our thoughts and feelings into words, to try and express our gratitude to our loved ones. We have failed at our previous attempts, but we cannot let this anniversary pass by without showing our appreciation.

Our Family

Josh and I have talked many times about moving to Oregon just cause we love it so much there. With the loss of our Abram, we quickly learned why we want...no, need to stay here. We need our family near us. We will never take you for granted again. You have been there for us in so many ways...loving Abram like your own...supporting all our parenting decisions regardless of your own beliefs...being the one's to give us the news of Abram's passing instead of a stranger...dropping EVERYTHING to come and just be there...holding us while we wailed...fulfilling all our physical needs when we forgot we had them...being here so that we didn't have to come home to an empty house...washing the last batch of dirty diapers and clothes...excreting literal blood, sweat and tears to make our yard beautiful and giving us that gift of a garden to tend...writing Abe's obituary better than we ever could...making our bedroom beautiful and fresh...financial support...writing songs about our boy...capturing his perfection through photos...writing his beloved name on mountain-tops...giving us much needed space...making a donation in Abram's name...making jewelry for all of us to wear in his memory...planting your own "Abe Garden"...cleaning our windows so that the sun could shine in...being our fix-it man and making many trips to Home Depot...tending Abe's grave when we can't...loving us unconditionally...always. It's impossible for us to even know all that you do for us, but please, please, please know how much we appreciate and love you all. It's because of you that we go on living...in love.




Our Friends

We have the best friends. Some friends we've had since childhood, some have been cemented through Abram's life and death...all are equally treasured by us. Thank you for being there as much or as little as we need you to...letting us rant unrelentingly...watching our dogs so we can escape out of town...visiting Abe's grave when we can't...buying us gas cards for a road trip...not judging our bitterness...knowing when we are having a hard day...distracting us from our pain...introducing us to our sweet counselor...building Abe's memory box...giving a star Abram's beloved name...loving us unconditionally. We love you all so much and couldn't have survived this last year without you.


Our Tonya

You hold a special place in our hearts and always will. You have given us a gift that we will be forever grateful for. Thank you too, for loving our boy like your own...allowing us to leave Abram with you and not worry...making Abe's bracelet for our entire family...answering any questions we have had about that day...being such a strong and courageous woman. We hope you know that you are forever a part of our family. We wish you peace and contentment. We all love you so much, and that includes our little Abe.

Our Beloved Abram

Thank you sweet boy for giving us enough love in just seven months, to last us a lifetime...for letting us know that you are okay...for teaching us lessons that some people never get to learn... for choosing us and showing us to love so deeply...for making us so unbelievably proud.

We are so blessed.

Set in Stone

Stone proportions.
Fertile ground.
Natural geometric boundaries.
if I could etch three words on my heart,
they would be I Love You...

Picture frames.
The Dream Rotunda.
A tattoo.
Small parts, comparative to the whole...

The Great Longing.
Eternal wounds.
No immunity.
The severed member that renders us lame...


... I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place that you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend... (from The Shawshank Redemption)