Our Rainbow Baby

I found this today and I think it describes my feelings about this baby perfectly...

Rainbow babies are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Angel Day, Part 3

At times it is hard to believe that it's been three years since losing our son. Most of the time it feels like it's been longer, because everyday is a struggle. I try not to think about that day because it was the most difficult day of my life thus far, but I also try and hold onto it because it was the last time I held him, nursed him. Even holding his lifeless body is something that I try and remember clearly and hold dear in my heart. Josh and I have said so many times that we truly feel fortunate to have lost our son the way that we did. Other circumstances that may have been surrounded by guilt or blame our unfathomable to us. We never had any of that and feel heartache for those that have experienced loss in that way. Loss is never easy and we have so much love for those that experienced our loss with us. Tonya, we love you more than we can say.

It's a very bittersweet time in our lives right now. We are anticipating anxiously and are so excited for our new baby. At the same time, we are undeniably terrified. We know what parenting is all about and wonder how we will get through it with the fear and anxiety that we have now. We want it to be easy like with was with Abram, but know it won't be. At times I also worry about this baby always living in the shadow of his brother. I guess it's natural for parents to compare children but this is different I think. Josh is right though when he tells me that he needs to know about his brother and live his life knowing how much we love and adore him. He will be a better and stronger person because of Abram. We just wish so much that Abe were here, sharing in this with us. I yearn for those moments of him kissing my baby belly, feeling the baby move. All those big brother moments that are lost, at least the tangible ones.

I need to give my deep appreciation and thanks to my sweet husband that has taken care of all of us in ways that neither of us anticipated. He is my best friend and the best Daddy ever! Josh, you are my everything. I love you more everyday.

We are SO fortunate to have the family that we do. Their ongoing support, concern and love for us has been overwhelming. We could not have gotten through the past 4 years without them and are so appreciative of their continuing support and love. This pregnancy has brought about challenges we didn't expect and they have been right there to help get us through. It's difficult to articulate our feelings for our family, so all I can say is Thank You, we love you all so much.

All our friends, who are also our family, have been life-saving. It hasn't been easy being our friends in the last few years, we recognize that. So we appreciate so much that you all have stuck with us and have loved us despite it all. We are stronger people because of you.

Most of all, appreciation and admiration is due to our son. Abram, you have shown us more love than we ever thought possible. You are the one who made us parents, taught us patience, give us strength. You have made it possible for us to be parents again, knowing that it's all worth it despite the fear. We know now, because of you, that love carries you through. The love we have for each other, the love of our amazing families and friends, the love we have for you and the love you give us. Your light and love save us everyday. We feel it and we feel you. Stay, our little star.

All the love in my heart,

Mom

Who's counting!?

24 weeks along today. 4 weeks on bed rest. 16 weeks til my due date. 10 weeks til I breath a huge sigh of relief. Keep on cooking baby!

Good Tidings!

Just got back from the doctor to see how things are going after the cerclage. Things look good so far, which is such good news! I will not be going back to work anytime soon, but that's okay with me. I want to do what I have to do to get this baby here strong and healthy. Confirmed that he's still a boy! A nameless one at that! Will be seeing the doctor weekly for awhile to keep close tabs on things. I'm glad they are being cautious, cause I tend to be a worry wart.

Great news to hear on our anniversary! Can't believe it's been 8 years since we ran away and got married in secret on the beach. What a great day that was! We've gone through so much in that time and have endured a lot of pain and grief...we still are. We are stronger and more in love because of it. I love you Josh! You are the best part of my life! Happy Anniversary!

Still adapting

I've decided that I need to come back to this spot and use it once again as my release. I need a place to try and help relieve the tension and anxiety that I am feeling right now. A lot has gone on since my last visit here. Most importantly, we are pregnant! We have been so excited and appreciative of this pregnancy. We are 21 weeks and just found out last week that we are having another boy! Along with that exciting news, we also found that I had some complications going on, requiring me to be hospitalized immediately. They found that I was already dilating and that the bag of water was coming down. Fortunately they found it when they did, cause had it gone one more week, our outcome would likely have been far different. They were able to successfully push the bag back up to where it should be and stitch the cervix closed to hopefully prevent further dilation and keep our bun in the oven! All this intervention feels so foreign to me...we have tried so hard to avoid as many interventions possible. But if I've learned anything with what we've gone through in the last few years, I've learned that we have to adjust and adapt to this crazy life and just hold on to what it is we want. All we want right now is a healthy baby. We deserve it.

The baby is healthy and strong, and active! I have to be on pretty strict bed rest which is WAY harder than I ever anticipated. It's only been a week and I feel like I am losing my mind. Fortunately I have the best husband, family and friends that are there for me through it all and are doing everything for me that I can't. I honestly couldn't go through life without every one of them. The love and support we are shown everyday is so overwhelming. They keep me sane and remind me of what's important. I'm also so appreciative of my work and how understanding they have been. I'm just a lucky girl all around.

I can't wait to meet this baby. I am so anxious to see how he resembles and differs from his brother. I can't wait to have that tangible feeling of motherhood again. I can't wait for sleepless nights and sore boobs. I can't wait to see Josh with his son. It's going to be hard and oh so scary this time around, but it's going to be wonderful!

Now all we need to do is find a name for this boy. Its pretty hard when you're following a name like Abram Dean. It'll come...

(Special thanks to my adorable niece Kylee for letting me use her sweet laptop for a bit while I'm laid up. Love you dolly!)

Happy Birthday Linden

Happy Birthday to this sweet boy, and lots of love to his beautiful mama. Love you Nin.

he follows...

...from room to room.